The following screenplay is Registered WGA #701292 and Copyright 1998 by Kristian Idol. Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent. |
INT. MR. GARRISON'S BEDROOM - ON GARRISON'S FACE Sweating and panting, Mr. Garrison is having a nightmare. He moans. MR. GARRISON Brad... Come, Brad Pitt, come... He wakes up with a gasp. Without Mr. Garrison's lips moving, Mr. Hat speaks: MR. HAT It was just a dream, Mr. Garrison. MR. GARRISON Oh, thank God... Suddenly, Mr. Hat takes out an 8-inch carving knife and starts stabbing Mr. Garrison. MR. GARRISON (CONT'D) No, Mr. Hat, no! Ahh! It's a trilogy of terror! Aaaggh!! Garrison wakes up again, for real. MR. GARRISON (CONT'D) Oh my! That's the last time I eat a firm banana quiche right before beddy-bye! But what does it all mean? Mr. Hat burps. Again, by itself: MR. HAT It's coming... EXT. BUS STOP - DAY The kids seem a little lethargic today. KYLE Cartman's butt is so big that he... he has his own zip code? Stan forces a weak smile. Cartman yawns. KYLE (CONT'D) Man, we are so bored even Cartman's ass isn't funny. A quiet moment with eyes at half-mast. Someone farts. Nothing. CARTMAN Every day, the same old grind - get up, have some pie for breakfast, go to school, have some pie after gym, come home and have some pie for dinner... I can't wait 'til I'm a grown-up workin' 9-to-5 in a square, beige cubicle where something exciting happens every day... KENNY Mphph rmph-- Kenny tips over mid-mumble, snoring. The others barely notice. STAN What he said. I think. The bus pulls up and the doors open, but the kids just stare. MRS. CRABTREE C'mon, get in, dammit!! They sigh. MRS. CRABTREE (CONT'D) What's wrong with you kids??!! STAN We're bored. MRS. CRABTREE I'm a whore?? STAN Uh... that works. They get in. INT. SCHOOLBUS KYLE We really need to shake up our lives. CARTMAN This is South Park, you moron. Same sh#t, different day - nothing in this hell-hole is ever gonna change. INT. PIP'S BEDROOM Pip peers into a telescope. INSERT - AN ASTEROID hurtles toward us. PIP Oh, heavens! A little sign on the asteroid says: MUST KILL KENNY. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Mr. Garrison ignores Pip tugging at his sleeve. MR. GARRISON Class, I have an extremely urgent announcement. PIP Me too, sir, me too! MR. GARRISON Oh no, you little munchkin! I give the important news around here. PIP But Mr. Garrison, I must speak! MR. GARRISON Kyle, can you come up here and gag Mr. Babbly-Brain? Thank you. Kyle ties a bandana around Pip's mouth. The top of Pip's head turns purple. MR. GARRISON (CONT'D) Now, the urgent news... Hollywood is coming to South Park! ALL Yay!! MR. GARRISON That's right, children, all the way from Los Angeles, California, the chlamydia capital of the world... ALL Yay!! MR. GARRISON (CONT'D) ...comes the Planet Megahype Hollywood History Tour! ALL Yay!! MR. GARRISON Our gymnasium will be the site of a traveling show of venerations and memorabilia! Silence. MR. GARRISON (CONT'D) That means you get out of school. ALL Yay!! MR. GARRISON Now, Pip, what boring piece of tripe must you share with us? PIP (removes gag) Meteors are heading right for South Park! CARTMAN What the hell is a "meteor"? KYLE You know, like a small shooting star. PIP Yes, many inferior stars are coming right at us! MR. GARRISON Jeez Louise, I just announced that. Detention for you, you little fop! EXT. SPACE Another meteor joins the first. Its sign: THE ENGLISH KID TOO. EXT. GYMNASIUM - DAY A large banner announces: PLANET MEGAHYPE HOLLYWOOD HISTORY TOUR! Since Mid 1998 INT. GYMNASIUM Most of South Park checks out the action. An unctuous, polished guide leads a group around, including the bored kids, Mr. Garrison, Mrs. Cartman and Chef. STAN This blows. KYLE So much for something cool coming to town. CARTMAN At least your mom's not tagging along... Mrs. Cartman adjusts his cap. GUIDE ...And here in the "Why They're Important And You're Not" section, we've duplicated some of the most famous body parts in all of Hollywood. This, for example, is the dimple of "ER"s George Clooney! A replica cheek with a little divot sits on a small stand under glass. KYLE Sweet! STAN That looks pretty realistic... GUIDE Oh, you caught us! This particular exhibit is not a reproduction, but actually Mr. Clooney's genuine flesh! KYLE But George Clooney is still alive! Doesn't he need his dimple? INT. GEORGE CLOONEY'S BREAKFAST NOOK The handsome TV doctor lifts a spoonful of cereal into his mouth. It spills out of the gaping whole in the side of his face. AT A FULL-BODY EXHIBIT The crowd stands in front of a wax replica of a handsome though aging actor, wearing a mail carrier's outfit. GUIDE He wouldn't let us take his wonderful teeth, but this uniform here on Erik Estrada was the same one repeatedly torn off by co-star Morgan Fairchild in the TV movie, "Dick Postal: Postal Dick". It's practically a museum piece! They look at the grinning replica. STAN Dude, Erik Estrada's whole career is a museum piece. The crowd laughs and moves on. The wax dummy's smile fades. ERIK ESTRADA Ah, jeez. Erik mopes away. BRAD PITT EXHIBIT They group approaches a display of what can only be buttocks. STAN Look at that ass! GUIDE Yes, that's hunky actor Brad Pitt's gluteus maximus! KYLE Um, it's not really Brad Pitt's butt, is it? GUIDE No, this realistic replica is sculpted in Arizona clay! CHEF Damn, look how small the booty is. MR. GARRISON And muscular! They look at him. MR. GARRISON (CONT'D) I mean, compared to Mel Gibson's. (more looks) Uh... Mrs. Cartman runs her hand over its surface. MRS. CARTMAN Oh, Bradley! CARTMAN Mom!! Kyle looks to his friends. KYLE This behavior does not surprise me. Pip pushes his way to the front of the crowd. PIP I can't believe all this attention to Hollywood when we should be preparing for our possible doom! What about the meteors?? STAN Meteor, shmeteor. They'll never hit South Park. KYLE Yeah, you wuss. Nothing exciting ever happens here. Pip leaves in disgust, and the group moves on, except for Cartman. CLOSE ON CARTMAN as he stares at the exhibit. ON BUTT as it sits there. From nowhere, a whisper. WHISPER (O.S.) Cartman... ON CARTMAN CARTMAN (wide-eyed) Huh? CLOSER ON THE BUTT Lilting, "Field of Dreams"-type music. WHISPER (O.S.) Impress your friends... CARTMAN'S EYES dart back and forth. CARTMAN Jesus? INT. GYMNASIUM - BY DOOR Cartman rejoins his pals. He looks heavier than usual - his stomach hangs out from under his shirt. CARTMAN This sucks, let's get outta here. STAN Cartman, did you like, get fatter in the last two hours? CARTMAN Shut up, hippie! Let's go! STAN Well hey, is it just me, or does Cartman look like he has an ass in front now, too? Cartman opens his coat to reveal the Brad Pitt replica. CARTMAN Heh! I stole Mr. Brad Pitt's butt! What about them apples? KYLE Cartman! You'll get us all in trouble! Kenny pulls his hood tighter. CARTMAN Not if we run fast enough! Run, you pussies, run!! EXT. GYMNASIUM Stan, Kyle and Kenny race across the snow. Many lengths back, Cartman spirits the replica away. CARTMAN I got it, I got the ass! Hey, South Park, Eric Cartman stole the movie star's ass!! INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - LATER Cartman plays with the casting, pushing a pair of honeydews against it. CARTMAN (girl's voice) Oh, Brad Pitt, you're so sexy, let me press my melons against your butt... The rump falls over, breaking in two. CARTMAN (CONT'D) Oh, sh#t! MRS. CARTMAN (O.S.) What's going on in there, honey? CARTMAN Nothing, Mom! Just playing with my butt! Cartman hunches in realization. MRS. CARTMAN Okay, honey, just be sure to wash your hands afterwards. Cartman looks at the hard clay pieces. CARTMAN Aww no, I broke Brad Pitt's butt! EXT. SPACE To the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries", a whole group of meteors streak toward us. A third sign: KILL THEM ALL. INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM Cartman's friends call him to the mat. STAN I can't believe you kyped it, Cartman, what were you thinking? CARTMAN I was bored, okay?? KYLE I'm not sure "boredom" adequately covers stealing a man's rear end. STAN Yeah, dude, you got issues! CARTMAN I don't have issues! A little voice in my head told me to steal the ass! The other three look at each other. CARTMAN (CONT'D) Oh, shut up! You're just jealous 'cause I had the guts to do something exciting! STAN Not this kind of excitement, Cartman! What happens when they find out it's missing? KYLE Yeah, just return it before we all get in trouble! CARTMAN Um... I can't. STAN Why not?? Cartman produces the two - separated - cheeks. CARTMAN I broke it. KYLE Oh my God!! STAN I think I'm gonna have a heart attack... KYLE If you don't return that man's ass, Cartman, we're all screwed! STAN I'm not going to jail for you, dude! I'm the future of America! CARTMAN Look, I got some glue, just hold the two pieces for me, okay? Stan and Kyle each reluctantly grab a half. Cartman squirts a load of white wood glue on each cheek. KENNY Mrph rmph myphaw. KYLE What kind of movie? STAN Never mind! They press the pieces together and place the repaired exhibit on a table. CARTMAN See, everything's just fine, they won't even notice. KYLE You got lucky this time, Cartman. Now just return it and let's forget this ever happened! CARTMAN Yeah, okay... STAN Once it's back in the exhibit, nobody will ever know, and we'll all be able to relax! Kenny sneezes. The butt falls apart and hits the floor, cracking into several pieces. MRS. CARTMAN (O.S.) Eric? EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - SECONDS LATER Stan, Kyle and Kenny run from the house screaming. From a window, Cartman yells after them. CARTMAN C'mon back, you guys! I got more glue! COMMERCIAL BREAK #1 INT. CLASSROOM - NEXT DAY The kids enter. STAN No, Cartman, no way! CARTMAN But the butt doesn't look like a butt anymore! STAN I will not -- Wendy walks by. Stan lowers his voice. STAN (CONT'D) I will not let you make a plaster cast of my ass, you homo! KYLE You're outta control, Cartman. We don't even know you anymore! Cartman frets, then approaches Mr. Garrison. He whispers into his teacher's ear. MR. GARRISON You want to make a plaster cast of my what?? CARTMAN Uh... for a science experiment, honest! You know: size, shape, destiny... MR. GARRISON Eric, that request is so twisted that I must report you to the school counselor this instant! CARTMAN No!! Cartman turns desperately to his friends. CARTMAN (CONT'D) (sotto) If you guys don't help get me outta this, I'll say you were all in on it with me! MR. GARRISON Let's go, Eric. STAN Uh, Mr. Garrison? Please don't report Cartman. KYLE Yeah... I think maybe Cartman just had a bad childhood - you know, kindergarten? Maybe he was ignored by his slutty mom, so he just asked you that in a desperate cry for attention... MR. GARRISON A cry for attention? STAN Kind of like that lame-o hand puppet of yours. MR. GARRISON Hmmm... I understand. Well, I won't report it, but Eric, you are on your own on this plaster thing. Good golly! (beat) Now then, it's Monday, let's learn from my stories... He turns on the: TELEVISION and a Special Bulletin breaks: ANCHOR If you have just this moment coincidentally just tuned in, we have an urgent bulletin from a painfully handsome white man using his mother's maiden name... EXT. GYMNASIUM - DAY Townsfolk with stricken faces stand behind the newsman. SKIP TRUJILLO Bob, we've just received word that a series of meteors is approaching Earth, and may mean the total destruction of South Park! (beat) But more importantly, a famous person's ass has been violated! I'm here at the South Park Gymnasium, site of the Planet Megahype Hollywood History Tour. Apparently, one of the most popular exhibits has been stolen - the buttocks of one Bradley Phillip Pitt, another handsome man like myself. Ma'am, a comment? He turns to Mrs. Cartman, who wails like a Middle-Eastern widow: MRS. CARTMAN I, I... it was... (sniff) oh, smooth... (choke) uh... (sob) firm... Waaaaaaa!!! She collapses. The reporter turns. SKIP TRUJILLO Officer? OFFICER BARBRADY Obviously, someone really wanted Mr. Pitt's boom-boom. My guess is that slut, Mrs. Cartman. MRS. CARTMAN (lifts head) Hey!! OFFICER BARBRADY One thing's for sure, though: (CU into camera) I will dedicate my every waking hour to rectifying this rectum, and solving this heinous, anus crime! Pip walks by wearing a sandwich board: REPENT! THE END IS NEAR! Denny's Meteor Slam $1.99 BACK TO CLASSROOM MR. GARRISON Oh, I'd love to get my hands on that butt! The kids mouths drop open. MR. GARRISON (CONT'D) Er, the hoodlum who stole that tight, young butt! (beat) Uh... BACK ON TELEVISION SKIP TRUJILLO Well, Bob, I think it's safe to say that today is a black mark in the history of South Park. If you want this reporter's opinion, it was probably some fat, jealous punk whose butt doesn't look anything like mine or Brad Pitt's... Cartman frowns. On TV, Jimbo and Ned push into frame, brandishing assault rifles. UNCLE JIMBO Kill 'em! Kill the butt burglars!! NED (using voice box) Let God sort them out. The crowd cheers agreement as Jimbo and Ned fire into the sky. Suddenly it seems everyone is firing weapons: civilians, priests, old ladies, cows... Cartman turns to his friends. CARTMAN That's it, I'm returning the ass right now. He leaves. EXT. STREET Cartman sneaks along the street, trying to keep the butt concealed. A police car slows, and the bullhorn fires up. OFFICER BARBRADY All right, hold it right there. Barbrady gets out of the squad. OFFICER BARBRADY (CONT'D) Shouldn't you be in school, young man? Say, what do you have under- neath your coat there? CARTMAN Nothing. OFFICER BARBRADY Don't lie to me, tubby. CARTMAN I was just... bringing some pie to my Grandma... OFFICER BARBRADY Where does she live? CARTMAN Uh... over hill and over dale? OFFICER BARBRADY Oh, how nice. Can I see the goodies? CARTMAN Unhh... Cartman takes off. OFFICER BARBRADY Well, he must really be late to see Grandma-ma. Pie sounds good, though, I'm very hungry... ON CARTMAN as he runs around a corner and cuts into: A DARK ALLEY where he peeks out. Panting, he ducks back when Barbrady drives by. CARTMAN Heh! I may be full-bodied, but I can outrun some dumb cop! He turns around, right into a GROWLING DOBERMAN. CARTMAN (CONT'D) Ahhh!! Cartman drops the casting, which breaks into a dozen pieces. The dog jumps on one, crunching it like kibble. He shakes another like a captured rabbit. CARTMAN (CONT'D) No, no! Bad doggie!! Get offa it! He grabs the butt chunk, and Cartman and the alley dog struggle in a tug-of-war. CARTMAN (CONT'D) God dammit, doggie, let go!! INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - ON THE KIDS Stan, Kyle and Kenny are all drop-jaw stunned. Cartman has a hopeful face, as he shows them the current state of Brad's rear end: Riven with cracks and missing pieces, Cartman's pathetic attempt at reconstruction looks like a mosaic globe, soiled with dirt and doggie slobber. STAN Dude, it doesn't even look human! CARTMAN Aww, Christ, I'm a dead man! You are talking to a dead man! KYLE Cartman, you gotta give yourself up! CARTMAN No, no, anything but! They look at each other... and all burst out laughing. ALL Ha ha! / "Butt." / "Anything butt"! STAN Okay, shut up! What are you gonna do? CARTMAN I don't know! KYLE Let's get outta here, Stan, this is madness. STAN Yeah, dude, don't call us until you fix everything! They leave Cartman alone in his bedroom. CARTMAN Well, screw you guys! I don't need no stinking hippie friends! I can figure this out all by -- (beat, realizing) ...myself... EXT. STREET Stan and Kyle walk away. KYLE Do you think we were too rough on him? STAN Dude, I won't go down with a sinking ship. KYLE But Stan, he's our friend. STAN Not enough to go to prison for! I don't wanna be some sixth-grader's bitch! Kyle stops his buddy. A faint strain of "Saints Are Marching In" begins. KYLE But isn't that what friendship is all about? Hanging in there when the going gets tough? All for one, against all odds, question authority, stick it to the man? Stan, it is our solemn duty as Cartman's best - only - friends to pick up his adventure and carry it through to its logical conclusion! (beat, music stops) Besides, he owes me a quarter. STAN Yeah, okay. (beat) You know, I can see now that solving this crisis is the most important event in our whole lives... Pip approaches with a stack of flyers. PIP Would you gentlemen like to help -- POW!! Stan punches Pip's lights out. Papers flutter like leaves from a tree. INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - CLOSE ON CARTMAN on the phone. CARTMAN Hey, can you guys come over and help me out? STAN (O.S.) Uh... Sure, Cartman, what is it? CARTMAN Oh, nothing much. Just bring a jackhammer, okay? We PULL BACK to reveal that Cartman's behind is stuck in large washing tub. Numerous empty boxes lie on the floor: "Buford's Plaster-O-Paree". EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - LATER The kids approach, dragging a jackhammer as big as they are. INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM Cartman's three friends stare at his predicament. STAN Dude, no offense, but are you getting dumber by the minute? Your ass is huge compared to Brad Pitt's! CARTMAN I know, but I gotta return a butt to the show! Any butt! STAN (to Kyle) Do you feel like you're sinking in quicksand, too?? KYLE Just do it. Stan fires up the jackhammer. This thing is so loud it's incredible. Cartman makes pointing gestures to his plaster-encased rear, but of course, we can't hear him. Stan and Kyle start yelling back, but it's all Charades now. Stan heaves the tip of the construction tool up against the metal washtub. BRATTATATTAT!!! It sounds like a jumbo-jet in Cartman's bedroom, and Stan vibrates like a can in a paint-mixer. Through the cacophony, barely, a voice from behind the door: MRS. CARTMAN (O.S.) Eric? EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY Cartman's rear end is wrapped in bandages, making it even bigger than before. CARTMAN How can I get a molding of a really small butt...? STAN You already tried that, Cartman, and we almost got caught! KYLE I think you should tell your mom. CARTMAN Nuh-unh! You know what they do to guys like me in jail? KYLE Feed them twice as much? KENNY Fmurph mphm maff. ALL Yeow! / Ouch! / Ow! CARTMAN I ain't tellin' my mom - she'll turn me in! STAN Well, teachers are worthless... KYLE So who knows more about anything than anybody? INT. CAFETERIA Chef soothes Pip. CHEF Don't you worry 'bout no space- rocks, children, we're all gonna die a grisly, fiery death when the Earth spins into the sun in a few years anyway, okay? Now, have a good one! Pip sulks away. CHEF (CONT'D) Hello, other children, how are you today? STAN Bad. CHEF Why bad? KYLE Cartman stole Brad Pitt's butt and now he broke it, and we're all in trouble. CHEF You took it? You must return the pilfered booty and confess! CARTMAN I don't wanna go to jail, Chef. I'm too tender! CHEF Well, why the fudge did you steal the buttocks in the first place? CARTMAN I was bored! Why don't people get that? And I'm gonna get nailed 'cause all the replacement butts are too big! CHEF (CONT'D) Too big?? Ain't no such thing, children. Now let me tell you 'bout lovin' the large booty... KYLE Uh, Chef? Soulful R&B starts throbbing. CHEF (spoken over music) You know, a lot of people ask me what kind of woman I like to make sweet love with, what kind of special qualities a lady have to have, and to be honest with you, I don't give a damn... KYLE No, Chef -- The music continues pumping. CHEF Tall or short, Venusian or Martian, when a man like Chef need to give that lovin', it just don't matter. But if you ask me right here, right now, I have to say... CARTMAN But Chef -- STAN Just go with it, dude. CHEF (singing) "I like a little meat with my mashed potatoes, There's just more of you to luh-uvv, I get a rise from a nice big booty, I just wanna hump it like Stan's homo dog..." STAN Hey! I let you sing! KYLE But we do agree in principal, Chef. CARTMAN Stop!! Cartman paces frantically. CARTMAN (CONT'D) Oh man, if only I had a small butt! I could oil it all up again and squat in some warm, wet plaster... Mmmm... The kids look at each other. CHEF Hell, if all you need is a smaller booty, children, just get some plastic surgery! CARTMAN What? CHEF Why sure, a little liposuction will suck that fat ass down to a proper cracker size in no time. KYLE Will that work? STAN I can't believe I'm gonna ask this... but how, Chef? CHEF Well, I've been bonin' up on this here book: (holds up) "Ike Turner Teaches Elective Surgery". KYLE It says, "Corrective Surgery". CHEF Hmm, so it does. Makes mo' sense, now that I think about it... CARTMAN Are you sure you're the best person to do this? CHEF Like I always say: Don't matter if it's cookin', surgery or makin' love - it's all just manipulatin' meat. Ain't that right? Blank looks. CARTMAN Are you gonna suck me or what? INT. CAFETERIA - LATER Cartman lies prone on the dish-tray conveyer belt. CHEF Now, remember, children, liposuction is not a substitute for good nutrition and exercise... KYLE Uh-huh... CHEF And some people are genetically predispositioned to fatitude, so you can't just stuff your yap again after I -- CARTMAN Shut up and cut me! Cut me!! Chef cribs from the book. CHEF Okay, first, we have to put you under with anesthesia. Kenny, apply The Stinky Sock. Kenny holds up a wretched, moldy sock. Cockroaches and rats squeal out of the kitchen. STAN (pinching nose) Jesus Christ that smells! KYLE That's hideous, Kenny! CARTMAN What's everybody talking about - Kenny's socks don't stink. STAN He's not going under, Chef. CHEF But children, you gotta be unconscious before I do any fat removal... Chef holds up the lipo cannula - sparks shoot out the end like a nuclear-powered cattle prod. Cartman faints. SLOW FADE OUT As we fade, the sound of great crackling, sloshing and sizzling. CHEF (O.S.) Ahhh, ain't nothin' like the smell of a good rump roast... COMMERCIAL BREAK #2 EXT. PLAYGROUND - BY SCHOOL Stan, Kyle and Kenny wait. STAN He's been in there almost an hour! Smoke pours out around the kitchen door seams, and slurpy sizzling sounds fill the air. And it stops. A moment, then: KYLE Here he comes! Out from the smoke, in slow motion ala The Right Stuff, comes the familiar fat face... But damn if it ain't on top of a toothpick body. Cartman looks like a lollipop. KYLE Cartman! You're skinny! Stan sniffs. STAN Do you smell bacon? Cartman preens. CARTMAN Gentlemen, it is a new world! STAN Okay, we gotta make a mold - what kind of stuff feels like a movie- star's butt? INT. STORE Thin Cartman stands before a candy-store clerk. CARTMAN Two pounds of Juju Bears, please. CLERK Damn, son, you might wanna slow down on the sweets, or you'll become a fat-ass like that Cartman kid! CARTMAN (gets candy) Thanks, I'll take that under advisement... Jag-off! INT. CARTMAN KITCHEN The kids work the stove, pouring JuJu Bears into a pot. MRS. CARTMAN (O.S.) Eric? They quickly turn around. MRS. CARTMAN (CONT'D) Smells good, honey, what are you boys cooking up? KENNY Mrab biphs mutt. STAN Shut up, Kenny! MRS. CARTMAN Well, be sure to have seconds, Eric. You look a little hungry. Toothpick-Cartman's friends look at him. CARTMAN Sure thing, Mom. MRS. CARTMAN (sniffs) Mmmm... whatever it is, I can't wait to sink my teeth into it! KYLE It probably wouldn't be the first time, Mrs. Cartman. MRS. CARTMAN What? CARTMAN Zip it, Jew-boy! EXT. STREET - ON PHONE POLE A hand-written flyer says: SUICIDE CLUB Call Pip 555-5555 x5 Officer Barbrady tacks up a poster right over it: WANTED Brad Pitt's Butt And the thief who took it! $2000 Reward Jimbo sees the sign. UNCLE JIMBO Hell, for two grand I'll cut off mah own ass and sell it! A couple other South Parkers marvel at the offer. INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Chef talks to the kids. CHEF Now, children, about my bill... CARTMAN Huh? I thought you operated on me for free! CHEF Oh, no, children, Chef's got bills, too. Love oils, vibratory devices, solid brass trapeze winches... You owe me a thousand dollars! CARTMAN But I don't have any money left! Thirteen boxes of plaster, two pounds of Juju Bears, jackhammer rental... I'm as poor as Kenny! CHEF I'm sorry, children, I need that money by tomorrow, or I'll have to put all the fat back in. CARTMAN What?? STAN You saved it?? A PANTRY SHELF Jars of thick, yellow fluid sit with flies buzzing around. BACK TO SCENE CHEF Of course I did, what do you think gave Chef's Garden Burgers Especialé that ol' grill-fried taste? All four kids spasm vomiting. When he recovers: CARTMAN I can't believe I'm still in trouble... Look how perfect my fake butt is... He produces the new JuJu Pitt butt - indistinguishable from the original. Officer Barbrady walks in. OFFICER BARBRADY Say, Chef, do you have any pie? Maybe cherry, or pumpkin, or -- Barbrady sees the butt, and quickly produces his revolver and a megaphone. He booms a single command: OFFICER BARBRADY Step away from the boom-boom!! The kids raise their hands to the sky. The butt falls to the floor and bounces away. CHEF We'll talk later... COMMERCIAL BREAK #3 EXT. BUS STOP - NEXT DAY The South Park kids look very happy. STAN Pretty cool that you didn't get arrested, Cartman. KYLE We don't know what we woulda done if you were in jail. CARTMAN Heh, jail! That would kick ass! STAN They'd really like your new little butt! CARTMAN Yeah, nobody understands the fears of a handsome criminal like myself... STAN Uh, yeah... KYLE Well, congratulations, Cartman. You fooled Barbrady into believing that you were just returning the butt, you paid off Chef, and the candy store gave you a month's supply of MooMoo Pies! STAN Dude, you scammed everyone. CARTMAN And my ass is on tour across the country! KYLE Sweet! STAN Have a MooMoo Pie, hero! Cartman takes a single bite, and POP! -- instantly balloons up to his original fat weight. KYLE Wow, Chef wasn't kidding about that genetic thing, was he? CARTMAN Hmmm. (beat) C'est la vie. But what a great town, huh? New people always showing up, new thrills every week... STAN Yeah, but you know, I still get the feeling something is missing... KYLE Yeah, unfinished business or something. Oh, look, it's Kenny. Hey, Kenny! Kenny stands in a meadow, holding a dachshund on a leash. He waves. The three kids look at each other. ALL Look out, Kenny!! A meteor screams in - zzzthunk!! - crushing the little dog. KENNY Moly shmidd!! Another unearthly whine, and Kenny takes off. A meteor hits the ground in front of him. He reverses, and a third meteor buries into the snow, cutting him off. The boys gasp. And it becomes a South Park shooting gallery: our little hooded one racing back and forth in the meadow as space- rocks scream into the Earth, narrowly missing him again and again. Zzzzthunk! Zhhzhthunk!! ZHZHZHTHUNK!!! Kyle turns to his buddies. KYLE Dude, if this wasn't so goddamm fun, I would have to comment that this is about as f##ked up as it gets right here, you know? Suddenly, it stops. Which is good, because Kenny can keep it up no longer. He pauses among a field of boulders, panting... And then, a sound - deep, primordial, groaning. From space. A huge meteor obliterates the entire meadow. STAN Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Silence in the field. But then, a muffled protest! Kenny struggles out from underneath the meteor. KENNY Meym nomay! KYLE He's okay! A little sign ("GOODBYE KENNY") peels from the giant boulder, slowly fluttering down... And the edge of it slices the poor kid's neck wide open. Blood spews out like a fountain, and Kenny falls over. STAN (CONT'D) Oh my God! They killed Kenny!! KYLE You space-bastards!! A long, looong gape-mouthed moment. Our kids just can't believe it this time... Kenny is really, really dead. CARTMAN Pretty f##king exciting, though. They laugh. END. |
Screenplay created with Final Draft, which is a darn fine product. (Link goes to Amazon, because I like passive income. #advertising)
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