The following screenplay is Registered WGA #522844 and Copyright 1993 by Kristian Idol. Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent. |
ACT ONE SCENE X INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - DAY THE WRITERS ARE VIRTUALLY MOTIONLESS. JERRY SITS AT HIS DESK, STARING AT THE TOP, FINGERS ENTANGLED IN HIS HAIR. GRANT IS SEATED AT THE ROUND TABLE, A STATUE WITH A PEN. BOBBY SPRAWLS ON ONE END OF THE COUCH, EYES TO THE CEILING. BOBBY "Blocked"... "Frustrated"... "Dried- up"... uh... "Uncreative"... JERRY Bobby, don't! We've got to end this block, and I'm trying to think, okay? We've got to think! BOBBY "Think"... "Ponder"... "Ruminate"... THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN, JACKIE POPS HIS HEAD IN. JACKIE Guys, I decided I need that outline in an hour. Just remember, write like your jobs depend on it... because they do! JUST AS QUICKLY, JACKIE'S HEAD POPS OUT. BOBBY "Unemployed"... "Destitute"... "Homeless"... CUT TO: MAIN TITLES ACT ONE SCENE A INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - A FEW MINUTES LATER JERRY DRUMS HIS FINGERS ON THE ARMRESTS OF HIS CHAIR. BOBBY IS SPRAWLED ON THE OTHER END OF THE COUCH. GRANT HAS NOT MOVED A MILLIMETER. LAURA BREEZES IN CARRYING THREE FAMILIAR BOXES. LAURA Okay guys, here's the pizzas! SHE HANDS THEM OUT. LAURA Pineapple-anchovy- (RE: STAIN) grease- sludge surprise for Bobby... SHE WIPES HER FINGERS ON THE BOX. LAURA (CONT'D) Jerry's usual cheese and mushroom... LAURA FLIRTS BUT JERRY IS TOO FRAZZLED TO RESPOND. LAURA How do you like my gift? JERRY The pizza? LAURA The watch! JERRY Oh, yeah. HE FORCES A PAINFULLY PLASTIC SMILE AND HOLDS UP HIS WRIST, DISPLAYING A BUTTON-ENCRUSTED SPORTS WATCH. LAURA A hundred and forty-three functions... JERRY I know, but-- LAURA They took it to Mt. Everest, you know. JERRY Yes, I'll remember that if I ever write sitcoms with Sir Edmund Hilary. I love the watch and thanks for the pizza, Laura. Now we need to be alone and get to work. LAURA I spent six dollars on it. JERRY The watch?! LAURA The pizza!! JERRY Uh-huh. Well, give Grant his present-- er... pizza and we'll be on with it, okay? LAURA BRINGS THE LAST BOX OVER TO GRANT AT THE ROUND TABLE. LAURA And green olive for Grant. HE STILL STARES INTO SPACE. LAURA What's wrong with Grant? JERRY TRIES TO REPROACH THROUGH A MOUTHFUL OF PIZZA. JERRY Mmblgrm. GULP. JERRY (CONT'D) Laura, look... (SIGHS; SHE'S NOT GOING AWAY) Ohh, Laura, this ratings disaster is just crushing us. Jackie wants the outline for the last show in an hour and we are so blocked, and (RE: GRANT) one-third of my staff is on Planet Pluto. HE TAKES AN AGGRESSIVE BITE OF PIZZA. LAURA Roseanne is really killing us, isn't she? JERRY TRIES SPEECH-WITH-PIZZA AGAIN. JERRY Rglrmug. (SWALLOW) Ratings. I hate the Nielsen family! I hate 'em! Mr. and Mrs. Nielsen never should have gotten married! HE TAKES ANOTHER FIERCE BITE. LAURA POUTS FOR A SECOND, THEN BRIGHTENS AND TURNS TO GRANT. SHE WAVES A TEMPTING PIECE OF PIZZA IN HIS FACE. LAURA Hellooo, Grant. It's Mr. Green Ahh-live! I want you to eeeat meee... THE ONLY PART OF GRANT THAT MOVES IS HIS MOUTH, AND EVEN THAT'S PRETTY SUBTLE. GRANT (HAZY) Black. I wanted black olives. I'm a black man, and I want black olives. JERRY Next time, Spike Lee. Right now we need a bang-up second act closer. Thanks, Laura. LAURA Bang-up, eh? (BEAT) How about, Jackie "bangs-up" his car. Ha, ha! JERRY Thank you, Laura, I think we can take it from here. LAURA C'mon, let me help. JERRY GIVES UP AND SLUMPS IN HIS CHAIR. LAURA TRIES A HEARTFELT RALLY. LAURA Listen, everything you need to develop rich, wonderful story ideas already exists inside each one of you. Just tap into your inner self and become friends with your powerful creative resources! PAUSE. JERRY You've been smoking the mushrooms from my pizza, haven't you? BOBBY Hey, could you levitate over to the Mini-Mart for some garlic? LAURA You guys! I read that in a book, "Writing Your Movie in Three Days". JERRY Three days?! LAURA Well, the last day is for rewriting, of course. JERRY Ack! Who writes that crapola? LAURA It is not crapola! (UNSURE) The author's name is Petey Barnes. BOBBY Wasn't he the little dog in the "Our Gang" series? JERRY GETS UP, GRABS LAURA'S ARM AND LEADS HER TOWARDS THE DOOR. JERRY Well, Ms. Miller, maybe your doggie scriptwriter can spend three days licking his creative juices, but we-- LAURA Resources, Jerry, creative resources. JERRY Right. Look, Laura, we really need some time to just wrap this up. Thank you, hon. Bye-bye. HE OPENS THE DOOR. LAURA I want to help, Je-- AND PUSHES HER OUT. BOBBY She gets kind of like Mom Junior sometimes, doesn't she? JERRY Ah, she means well. She's just trying so hard it bothers me, you know? I mean, how dense do you have to be not to leave writers alone? JACKIE'S FACE POPS IN AGAIN. JACKIE Hi, guys. Just thought I'd let you know I need that outline in fifty minutes. JERRY Look, Jackie... We're all really blocked here. JACKIE Hey, I understand. (HE WALKS IN) Try some Kaopectate in a beer. (CONFIDENTIALLY TO JERRY) One time I was real blocked up, but a little 'Kao cocktail' and whoosh!, I was back on the ol' throne for an hour. Used up a whole can of Lysol afterwards, but I felt great! JERRY Wonderful. No, Jackie, I mean writer's block. I'm not sure we can have this outline for you in fifty minutes. JACKIE Forty-eight, but who's counting? (BEAT) Besides me. (BEAT) And Doug and all the network guys. (NOTICING GRANT) What's wrong with him, why isn't he writing? GRANT IS MINDLESSLY PICKING THE OLIVES OFF HIS PIZZA AND PLACING THEM INTO A NEAT LITTLE PILE. JACKIE WALKS OVER. JACKIE No wonder he can't write, man, he's got the wrong olives on his pizza! Why would you give a black man green olives? BOBBY Jackie Thomas and Spike Lee. (RAISES FIST) Power to the people. GRANT STARES FORLORNLY AT HIS 'ZA. JACKIE Hey, I don't get that, but me and Spike Lee are like brothers. You know, like Boyz Under the Hood. That reminds me, I gotta call him for a copy of that X-rated movie he did. JERRY AND BOBBY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. JERRY IS AFRAID TO ASK. JERRY Malcolm X?! JACKIE Yeah, I've never seen a porno with black chicks before. Maybe my buddy Curt can help you guys. He's written lots of porno. Man, he comes up with some great ideas, like one time, the Head Nurse walks into the barber shop-- JERRY Jackie, Jackie, look, I think we can solve this all by ourselves. No nurses, and no more writers, okay? JACKIE Yeah, okay. But I'm gonna do some research anyway. BOBBY It's a dirty job, but Jackie's gotta do it twice. JACKIE You betcha. So, what've you guys got so far? JERRY LOOKS NERVOUSLY AT BOBBY. JERRY Well, um... So far the best idea looks like a take-off on "Casablanca". JACKIE All right! That was one of Columbus' ships, wasn't it? OFF JERRY'S REACTION, BOBBY SMIRKS. JACKIE (CONT'D) Yeah, we could flood the studio with a million gallons of water, just like the movies! I'm gonna get right over to Props and get me a cool pirate hat! AND WITH THAT, HE RUNS OUT. JERRY LOOKS PLEADINGLY TO BOBBY, WHO SHRUGS. BOBBY If we're lucky, maybe we can sink Captain Jackie's ship. JERRY Somewhere, there's a cannonball with Jackie's face on it. AND WE: DISSOLVE TO: ACT ONE SCENE B INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - LATER JERRY PACES LIKE A MADMAN. BOBBY IS UPSIDE DOWN ON THE COUCH, FEET OVER THE BACK, HEAD NEARLY ON THE FLOOR. GRANT COULD BE A MANNEQUIN. JERRY I can't believe you're laying there with only (GLANCES AT WATCH) thirty- six minutes left. BOBBY Jerry, buddy, you gotta learn to relax. (PATTING CUSHION) Take a load off. JERRY I can't, I can't. (STARING AT WATCH) We only have thirty-five minutes and twenty seconds to finish. (BEAT) I mean, thirty-five minutes, fifteen seconds. (BEAT) Now it's only thirty- five minutes ten-- BOBBY Laura never should've given you a digital watch, Jerry. JERRY Yeah. (BEAT) But listen to this. JERRY STOPS PACING AND PRESSES THE WATCH. A TINY FEMALE VOICE SQUEAKS FORTH. WATCH (V.O.) I love you, Jerry! JERRY GIVES UP A WISTFUL SMILE. BOBBY It sounds like the Time-and- Temperature lady. JERRY PRESSES AGAIN. WATCH (V.O.) (BEEP!) I love you, Jerry! BOBBY That's a lot of commitment from a six- dollar watch. JERRY (BACK TO EARTH) Agh, Laura. We just get to a nice, comfortable point in our relationship and now she wants all this attention. First pizza, then a watch, what next? BOBBY Curtains? JERRY That's right! Curtains! But I blow her off because of Jackie. (BEAT) Let's finish this outline so I can go say I'm sorry. JERRY SITS NORMALLY ON THE COUCH NEXT TO BOBBY, WHO IS STILL UPSIDE-DOWN. JERRY (RE: BOBBY'S POSITION) Does that really work? BOBBY Richard Gere swears by it. And look who he snagged. JERRY No, for writing. BOBBY Absolutely. I've thought of some of my most creative ideas this way. And it enlarges my eyeballs, too. Try it! JERRY I may be desperate, Bobby, but I'm getting pretty old for this acrobatic stuff. BOBBY Yeah, that's what Laura said. JERRY She said that? Well, I'll show that little scriptwriter wannabe! JERRY STRUGGLES TO POSITION HIMSELF UPSIDE DOWN. HE GETS SUCCESSFULLY INVERTED, BUT IS STILL VISIBLY TENSE AND UNCOMFORTABLE. JERRY (NASAL AND UNCONVINCING) Oh yeah, this is great. (BEAT) I think I'm blacking out. BOBBY Hang on, that's when the hallucinations start. A FEW MOMENTS PASS. JERRY STARTS TO RELAX. JERRY Oh, look! (POINTING AT CEILING) That tomato-sauce stain looks just like a horsie! BOBBY Now you're gettin' it. ANOTHER THOUGHTFUL MOMENT. JERRY You know, if we put fluorescent lights in the floor, we could have a disco. BOBBY We'll call it "Club Vertigo-go". JERRY Bobby, this isn't working - we have to get this outline done. HE CLAMBERS OFF THE COUCH. BOBBY RIGHTS HIMSELF AND TRIES TO STAND UP, BUT HIS EYES ROLL INTO HIS HEAD AND HE CRUMBLES TO THE FLOOR. JERRY CROUCHES TO HELP. JERRY Bobby, are you okay? BOBBY (DAZED) Whoa. Cool. JERRY Bobby, are you okay? BOBBY Yeah, I guess. (HOLDING UP HANDS) What does it mean when there's little sparks shooting out of your fingertips? JERRY How do you feel? BOBBY I feel like Grant. WITHOUT MOVING, GRANT WHIMPERS A MONOSYLLABLE. GRANT Uhhur? JERRY PICKS BOBBY UP OFF THE FLOOR. BOBBY LEANS ON HIM LIKE A WOUNDED SOLDIER. JERRY That's the last time I let you eat the four-burrito appetizer from Señor Wang's catering truck. BOBBY Si, I think maybe it was all the cough syrup I poured on top. JERRY (EXCITED) But you've got the right idea about ending this damn block... JERRY LETS GO AND BOBBY THUNKS TO THE FLOOR AGAIN. WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, JERRY PICKS HIM UP AND PLOPS HIM ON THE COUCH. JERRY Sometimes you just have to do non- writing things. You know, anything to get your mind off the show. BOBBY So what's new? JERRY When I was at "Cheers", we used to do all sorts of weird, creative things to help us through a block. Some guys did needlepoint, some would even sing and dance. BOBBY Sounds like sitcom gypsies to me. JERRY No, really. There are times when you're so desperate, singing and dancing is the only thing that clears the cobwebs out. BOBBY We've only got twenty-six minutes left. CUT TO: INT. OUTER OFFICE - SAME TIME DOUG AND TWO SERIOUS EXECS WALK PAST STEPHANIE'S DESK. DOUG Of course, ultimately the success of the show depends upon our very professional, hard-working writers. DOUG OPENS THE DOOR. CUT TO: INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - SAME TIME JERRY AND BOBBY HAVE THEIR ARMS CROSSED AGAINST THEIR CHESTS AND KICK THEIR FEET LIKE RUSSIAN DANCERS. JERRY & BOBBY (SINGING FULL VOICE) Scaramouche, Scaramouche, can you do the Fan-dang-o!! DOUG SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. CUT TO: INT. OUTER OFFICE DOUG Maybe we'll check back later. AND WE: DISSOLVE TO: ACT ONE SCENE C INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - A FEW MINUTES LATER DOUG SNEAKS IN AND CONSPIRATORIALLY PEEKS OUT THE DOOR BEFORE CLOSING IT. DOUG What in blazes is going on in here? I had to tell the big guys you were bringing in Fred Astaire as a guest star! JERRY Fred Astaire is dead, Doug. DOUG (WHINING) They don't know that! Now, I may be begging for a heap of trouble, but is there anything about the, uh, relationship between you two that I should know about? JERRY No, Doug, we-- BOBBY PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JERRY, PLAYING WITH HIS HAIR AND GRINNING. JERRY PUSHES HIM AWAY. JERRY (CONT'D) We just have twenty-four minutes to finish the outline for Jackie and we haven't even started. DOUG Haven't started?! Our lives depend on the season finale, you know! JERRY & BOBBY (TOGETHER) We know. DOUG WALKS OVER TO GRANT. DOUG Well, what's wrong with him? And what is wrong with his pizza? JERRY Nevermind! DOUG He looks like my step-sister after one of her sorority Chug-Fests. JERRY Doug, I'm afraid Grant is trapped in The Rewrite Zone. BOBBY WHISTLES THE "TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME. BOBBY (A LA ROD SERLING) Consider this: A psychotic TV star, a pathetic network executive and a zombie writer... JERRY Bobby... BOBBY ..struggling with barely a brain between the three of them... DOUG Listen, I've half a mind to tell Jackie about that. BOBBY OPENS HIS MOUTH TO RETORT, BUT JERRY'S HAND FLASHES OUT OVER IT. JERRY SMILES INNOCENTLY WITH HIS HAND OVER MOST OF BOBBY'S FACE. JERRY Okay, Doug, we have to get back to being busy as little beavers! DOUG TURNS BACK TO GRANT AND SNAPS HIS FINGERS IN FRONT OF GRANT'S FACE. NOTHING. DOUG Well, okay, as long as this one doesn't claim any psychotherapy under Workman's Comp. JERRY REMOVES HIS HAND FROM BOBBY, WHO GASPS LIKE A LANDED FISH. JERRY (INTERESTED) You can do that? DOUG You bet, my whole family's -- uh... I think I read it somewhere. In the employee mental... er... manual! How about them Dodgers, anyway? JERRY It's been a long season, hasn't it, Doug? DOUG NODS QUIETLY. JERRY AND BOBBY HERD HIM TOWARD THE DOOR. HE LOOKS BACK AT GRANT AND SHAKES HIS HEAD. DOUG He always seemed to be the most normal one. BOBBY This from a man who thinks dogs can play poker. DOUG I'll win it back, you wait. I just didn't know they could bluff! (BEAT) And you guys aren't... buddies? BOBBY PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JERRY AGAIN AND SMILES THE FAKE PHOTO-OP SMILE. JERRY DISENTANGLES. JERRY I assure you, Doug, we're all very manly around here. JACKIE ENTERS WEARING A PIRATE HAT WITH A HUGE FEATHER ON IT, HIS IOWA T-SHIRT OVER BLOOMERS AND POINTED BOOTS. HE STANDS PROUDLY WITH HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS. JACKIE I've come for my men! DOUG Oh, Lord, my life is over. DOUG RACES OUT, AS WE: FADE OUT END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO SCENE D FADE IN: INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER CAPTAIN JACKIE APPEARS A LITTLE LESS CONFIDENT. JACKIE Hey, honestly, I don't look like a dork, do I? I mean, when I discover the first butcher shop in the New World, I gotta look studly. BOBBY The word "fluffy" comes to mind. JERRY TRIES TO "SHOOSH" BOBBY. JACKIE TAKES OFF THE HAT. JACKIE Aww, I knew it. JERRY The problem is, Jackie, there aren't really any pirates in "Casablanca". JACKIE Well, just write one in. This is television, Harper, the most creative medium in the entire world - make him a wacky neighbor. HE PUTS THE HAT BACK ON. JACKIE (CONT'D) But I'm done helpin' you guys out, I'm gonna go steal some buried treasure! BOBBY Buried treasure, huh, Jackie? JACKIE Yeah, well, either that or some Ho-Hos from the commissary. JACKIE EXITS. JERRY RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER AS HE WALKS TO HIS DESK. JERRY Okay, final stretch. We have to pick one idea right now and go with it. What about "Casablanca"? BOBBY Do you want to explain to Jackie that there were no Nazis on Columbus' ships? JERRY Jackie's Cafe Caribbean? THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS. JERRY & BOBBY Nah. JERRY PICKS UP A PAD. JERRY (READING) Number two: Grant's pre-coma "Citizen Kane" idea. BOBBY CLUTCHES HIS CHEST AS IF DYING. BOBBY Roastbeef... Roooast beeeef! JERRY Very clever. BOBBY Oh, don't forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Thomas. JERRY THINKS FOR A MOMENT, THEN STARTS SCRIBBLING. JERRY Could happen. BOBBY 'Course, we'd have to teach Jackie to dance. JERRY Right. Teaching Jackie to dance is like teaching a pig to sing - it wastes your time and annoys the pig. BOBBY (FRUSTRATED) Which one are we talking about again? JERRY DOESN'T NOTICE BOBBY'S CRACK. OR THAT BOBBY IS LOSING HIS PATIENCE. JERRY Casablanca... Kane... Astaire. Hmmm... Citizen, 'blanca... dancing pigs. (BEAT) Let's go with "Citizen Kane". BOBBY Fine. A twenty-three minute study of megalomania - says "Jackie" to me. JERRY Okay, c'mon, just the high points. (QUICKLY, PARAPHRASING OFF PAD) After a particularly large meal of pork, Jackie falls asleep and dreams of owning the biggest and best butcher shop in the world. Because of his drive to rigorously follow the Standard of Weights and Measures, Helen divorces him, and-- BOBBY WAVES HIS HAND, TRYING TO HURRY JERRY ALONG. BOBBY Yeah, blah, blah, blah... JERRY (PUT OUT) No "blah, blah, blah", this is where we're stuck, filling in the "blah, blah"s. If we don't get rid of some of the "blah, blah, blah"s, it's our blah, blah jobs! BOBBY WALKS UP TO JERRY. BOBBY Well, you're the head writer, you write the "blah, blah, blah"s, then. JERRY I will, because your "blah, blah, blah"s are too... blah! BOBBY STEPS CLOSER. BOBBY Oh yeah, well, blaaah, blaah. LAURA WALKS IN. THE GUYS ARE NOSE-TO-NOSE. JERRY BOBBY Blah, BLAH, blah, Blah, blah, BLAH, BLAH, blah, BLAH!! blah, BLAH, BLAH!! LAURA CAN'T FIGURE THIS ONE OUT FOR THE LIFE OF HER. LAURA Jerry? JERRY Oh... I'm sorry, Laura, I was just having a disagreement with Blahby. JERRY AND BOBBY BURST INTO A FIT OF HYSTERICAL GIGGLES. LAURA CAN ONLY STAND THERE AMAZED. BOBBY RECOVERS FIRST. BOBBY Hey, that's Mister Blahby to you, pal. MORE CHORTLING AND SNORTING. JERRY AND BOBBY GASP AND WIPE TEARS FROM THEIR EYES... LAURA So, have you comedians finished your outline yet? THEIR FACES INSTANTLY CHANGE TO UTTER DEADPAN. LAURA (CONT'D) Uh-huh. Well, I was going to come in here and yell at you, Jerry, for treating me so rudely earlier, but maybe this will be more effective... SHE WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR. LAURA (CONT'D) I've nearly finished my outline; it only took me thirty minutes. And the book was very helpful. Ta ta! JERRY STALKS AFTER HER, HANDS OUTWARD IN A STRANGLING POSITION. SHE EXITS. JERRY First Roseanne beats us up, now Laura - estrogen is taking over Hollywood! BOBBY Maybe she's an idiot savant, like a Rainwoman, or something. JERRY Hey! BOBBY Oh, sorry, Jer. All that joyful laughing threw off my rhythm. A FEW MOMENTS PASS. JERRY But you know, you're right again. We have to think sort of like a child... Back to that brash naiveté we had before we were professionals, that total lack of knowledge... BOBBY Should I call Jackie? JERRY Not that far back. Let me think... (BEAT) Okay, okay... One of the earliest techniques I learned was the "opposite theory". Like, what if Jackie is not a successful butcher, or Jackie is not happy with the family. BOBBY Oh, you mean, like, Jackie is funny, or Jackie is a friend. JERRY Now that's good writin'! Let's do it. BOBBY Countdown? JERRY LOOKS AT HIS WATCH. JERRY T-minus sixteen minutes and twenty seconds. WATCH (V.O.) (BEEP!) I love you, Jerry! JERRY Oops! BOBBY Jer, you've got to end this thing with the Time-and-Temperature lady. JERRY (REALIZING) You know, this is crazy. No-one can write a story outline in sixteen minutes. BOBBY Fifteen minutes fifty. JERRY Hey, so's your old man. We can't let him push us around like this anymore, Bobby - this could be our last dance. BOBBY Literally as well as figuratively. JERRY What should I do? BOBBY I'm his friend, I can use guilt to keep my job. But you've gotta beg and grovel. And plead. And whimper. JERRY Well, I'm going to do whatever I can to get some more time out of Jackie. You keep writing. JERRY STRIDES OUT, MAN WITH A MISSION. A MOMENT, THEN... BOBBY Godspeed, Caped Crusader. AND WE: DISSOLVE TO: ACT TWO SCENE E INT. JACKIE'S DRESSING ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER JACKIE CUPS A BOWLING BALL IN EACH HAND, UP BY HIS CHEST. JERRY WALKS IN AS JACKIE LOOKS PROUDLY AT HIS PLASTIC MAMMARIES. JACKIE Yeah, that's about right. HE TOSSES ONE TO JERRY (OOF!) AND DROPS THE OTHER ON THE COUCH AS HE SITS DOWN. JACKIE Hey, Harper! I decided that Columbus idea sucks. That pirate hat didn't get me one date! JERRY I'm sorry to hear that, Jackie. JACKIE Well, you oughta be. Some skinny guy from Set Design kept asking me if I wanted to sword fight! What did he mean by that? JERRY OPENS HIS MOUTH, BUT HE'S AT A LOSS. HE SCREWS UP HIS COURAGE. JERRY Actually, Jackie, we've decided against "Casablanca" and opted for "Citizen Kane". JACKIE Never heard of it. Does it got any hookers in it? JERRY It's a family show, remember, Jackie? JACKIE So, we'll have a whole family of hookers! Like the "Brady Bunch", only the maid will be real hot. I'll call Casting! JACKIE LEAPS UP OFF THE COUCH AND PICKS UP THE PHONE, BUT JERRY RUNS OVER AND GRABS IT. THEY STRUGGLE BRIEFLY. JERRY Jackie! "Citizen Kane" is the story of a very rich and powerful man! THEY STOP PULLING AT THE PHONE, BUT EACH KEEPS HIS HOLD ON IT. JACKIE Hey, like me! JERRY (QUIETLY) That's right - a very rich and powerful... and handsome man. JACKIE RELEASES HIS GRIP AS JERRY BEGINS TO SOUND LIKE A FATHER TELLING A BEDTIME STORY. JERRY (CONT'D) ...who once upon a time had a... bowling ball, which he liked very, very much. JACKIE PICKS A HO-HO OUT OF A BOX ON HIS COFFEE TABLE, BITES INTO IT, AND SITS BACK DOWN ON HIS COUCH. JACKIE (CHILD-LIKE) Is there a princess, Harper? JERRY Yeah, sure, why not? HE STARTS TO SIT AND LANDS SQUARELY ON THE BOWLING BALL. HE PUSHES IT ASIDE. JERRY (CONT'D) We'll put her in Act One. JACKIE Good, 'cause then the powerful guy can boink her. JERRY HAS GROWN TIRED OF REINING JACKIE IN. JERRY This is television, Jackie! No boinking allowed! Besides, it wouldn't work in the story. JACKIE Story?! What does story have to do with TV? How about, I have an affair with the fabulous babe, and Helen does this "Fatal Attraction" thing, 'cause I'm a rich and powerful butcher... JERRY Jackie... JACKIE JUMPS UP OFF THE COUCH AGAIN. JACKIE Yeah, and then Timmy comes surfin' in (HE IMITATES) on a giant wave to save Mr. Brady's maid, but she's really a guy. JERRY Jackie... JACKIE And then, and then... Clint Eastwood paints the whole butcher shop red, and we shoot it out, and I nail him in the shoulder... JACKIE GRABS HIS SHOULDER AND STUMBLES AROUND, KNOCKING OVER AT LEAST ONE PIECE OF FURNITURE. JERRY JACKIE!! JACKIE And then Steven Segal... the tennis pro, who's really Clint's long-lost brother, parachutes in and kicks the crap out of Timmy 'cause he had an affair with the Brady maid to get her to give me the illegal meat kick-backs! JERRY SEETHES - BARELY HOLDING IT IN. JERRY Fine. Done. But we need more... (RETHINKING, DEEP BREATH) In order to execute your (GNASH) brilliant ideas, Jackie, we need another day to finish the outline. JACKIE No way, Harper. Laura showed me a great outline she wrote in, like, ten minutes. JERRY LOOKS LIKE HIS FACE IS GOING TO CATCH ON FIRE. JERRY NO!! JACKIE C'mon, Harper, this writing stuff is easier than my first girlfriend. I just wrote half of it for ya! And my ideas were as good as anything you've done this year. MORE HEAT... JERRY No, no!! Jackie, this is, this is... (SEARCHING) This is just STUPID!! JACKIE CHANGES FROM DAY INTO NIGHT. HE GRABS JERRY'S SHIRT. JACKIE Don't you ever call me stupid again, Harper, you hear me? Ever!! That's what my father used to do. And you ain't him! FOR A MOMENT JACKIE LOOKS LIKE HE MAY ACTUALLY HIT JERRY. HE RELEASES HIM AND POINTS A FINGER IN HIS FACE. JACKIE (CONT'D) You writers just get me an outline before I finish that box of Ho-Hos or I'll replace you with Laura and her dog-friend Petey! LOOK OUT! JERRY (YELLING) Yes, sir, Mr. Thomas!! JERRY STORMS OUT, SLAMMING THE DOOR. JACKIE SHRUGS, TURNS ON THE TV AND SITS DOWN. HE EXAMINES HIS NEXT HO-HO CAREFULLY. JACKIE I like that. "Yes, sir, Mr. Thomas". I think I'll get all the writers to say that. (RE: TV) Ah, Jeez, will ya look at this? ROSEANNE ARGUES WITH DARLENE. JACKIE All she ever does is yell at her kids. How can somebody so mean be so popular? AND WE: DISSOLVE TO: ACT TWO SCENE F INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - A FEW MINUTES LATER JERRY BURSTS IN, RANTING. HE'S LOSING IT. JERRY That's it! I give up! I can't live like this anymore! I can't! I can't keep trying to beat these deadlines under the constant pressure of losing my job, if we even have a job next week, and try to maintain a relationship with Laura at the same time! I'm going absolutely nuts! I'm getting ulcers on my brain stem!! BOBBY How much time is left? JERRY PRESSES THE WATCH. JERRY Nine minutes and-- WATCH (V.O.) (BEEP!) I love you, Jerry! JERRY Ack! JERRY FIDDLES WITH THE WATCH, BUT IT KEEPS BEEPING AND SQUEAKING AS HE GROWS EVER MORE MANIC. WATCH (V.O.) (BEEP!) I love you, Jerry! (BOOP, BEEP!) I love you, Jerry! I love you, Jerry! (BEEP! BOOP!) I love you, I love you, I love-- JERRY SCREAMS AND RIPS THE WATCH FROM HIS WRIST, FLINGING IT TO THE FLOOR AND STOMPING IT TO BITS. JERRY I know! I know! I know!! I KNOW!!! BOBBY IS STUNNED. HE WHISTLES "TWILIGHT ZONE" AGAIN QUIETLY. JERRY COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH, EXHAUSTED. AND THE SCENE LOOKS RATHER LIKE THE OPENING: BOBBY SITS QUIETLY, JERRY IS PANTING, AND GRANT IS APPARENTLY HUMMING "RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES". LAURA WALKS IN, CARRYING A FEW SHEETS OF PAPER. LAURA I'm done with my story outline. Would you like to see it? BOBBY HANDS JERRY A PENCIL. BOBBY Take the wooden stake, place it over her beating heart... BUT JERRY HAS NO WILL TO FIGHT. IT'S OVER. HE HAS BEEN VANQUISHED. HE TAKES THE PAPERS AND BEGINS SKIMMING THEM. JERRY This is... This is great. LAURA Do you really think so? JERRY (READING) Helen gives Jackie a watch for his birthday, but he ignores her because he's trying to organize a big sale, so she helps him with the ad campaign. It's wonderful! LAURA Well, write what you know, I guess. BOBBY It's fresh. A new vision. Singularly unique. JERRY Singularly on time. Thank you, Laura! JERRY JUMPS UP AND GIVES HER A BIG HUG. BOBBY HUGS THE BOTH OF THEM. JERRY TOSSES THE OUTLINE ON TOP OF A FAT SCRIPT ON THE ROUND TABLE. GRANT LEAPS UP, GRABBING THE BOOK- LIKE SCRIPT. GRANT No!! That's "Citizen Kane"! You can't put a Jackie Thomas script on top of "Citizen Kane"! It's like matter and anti-matter! Anathema! Antithesis! Polar opposites! GRANT CLUTCHES "CITIZEN" TO HIS BREAST. GRANT (CONT'D) (QUIETLY, EARNESTLY) There'll be a colossal explosion and it'll be the end of the world as we know it. BOBBY It is... alive. JERRY Grant, are you all right? LAURA You better sit back down. THEY CAREFULLY HELP THE CONFUSED YOUNG MAN BACK INTO HIS CHAIR. GRANT What happened? (BEAT) I remember a long tunnel with a bright light at the end... And the faint smell of... pizza. JERRY SQUEEZES GRANT'S SHOULDER WARMLY. BOBBY BOWS HIS HEAD AND GIVES GRANT A SIDEWAYS HUG. BOBBY At least it wasn't burritos. GRANT Say, does anybody know what time it is? JERRY AND BOBBY'S EYES GET HUGE, AND WE: FADE OUT END OF ACT TWO TAG FADE IN: INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - LATER THE WRITERS ARE GATHERED AROUND A LUCID GRANT ON THE COUCH. GRANT You were there, Jackie, and Jerry, and you, Bobby. BOBBY And Toto, too? GRANT Is that what you're calling Laura now? LAURA FROWNS. JERRY Anything else? GRANT There was a big pirate behind the curtain... JACKIE Hey, don't tell nobody 'bout that feather, okay? JERRY It's pretty amazing what stress will do to a man. LAURA (POINTEDLY) Isn't it, Jerry. JERRY I'm sorry, Laura, I went a little bonkers. I actually write pretty well when I'm not thinking of you. SHE GIVES HIM A PLAYFUL PUNCH. JACKIE Yeah, I was a dink, too, Harper. I think those Ho-Hos raise my blood sugar or something. GRANT At least you didn't, um... didn't, uh... HE'S TRYING TO THINK OF THE WORD. GRANT (CONT'D) ...didn't... JACKIE SMACKS HIM UPSIDE THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. GRANT (CONT'D) Blank out! Didn't blank out. JERRY Now there's a technique we didn't try, Bobby. BOBBY Actually, Grant, I think you had the best time of all. JERRY I'll second that. And with Laura's outline and a complete staff, we may all make it back. LAURA I'm just glad that we're all friends enough to not let the little disagreements upset us. EVERYONE REFLECTS. JERRY PULLS LAURA AWAY FROM THE GANG. JERRY And I want you to know that no matter how hard I work, no matter how stressed out I get, no matter what I say or do, I still care for you very deeply. LAURA HOLDS JERRY'S FACE IN HER HANDS. LAURA Awww, thanks. I love you, Jerry!! CUT TO: BLACK. JERRY (O.S.) Aaagh!! END OF SHOW |
Screenplay created with Final Draft, which is a darn fine product. (Link goes to Amazon, because I like passive income. #advertising)
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