The following screenplay is Registered WGA #623508 and Copyright 1996 by Kristian Idol. Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent. |
ACT ONE SCENE A INT. BULLPEN/CONFERENCE TABLE - MORNING DAVE BEGINS AN IMPORTANT DAY. DAVE Okay, this is a critical meeting, so let's get started... LISA Did the numbers come in? DAVE Yes, Lisa, but first -- BILL Can I ask a question, Chief? DAVE Only if it's very important, Bill. BILL Oh, it is. Why would a man shave his forearms? DAVE What?? MATTHEW It was just an experiment, Bill, leave me alone. Is The Book here or not? JOE Dude, you shaved your arms? BETH His whole body. (OFF LOOKS) He told me! BILL You must look like some mewling newborn puppy - oh, I'm sorry, how would we know the difference? MATTHEW Bodybuilders do it to make their muscles stand out, thank you very much. BETH You da man, Matthew! MATTHEW FLEXES HIS ARMS AND GROWLS. DAVE Okay, Mr. Universe, just leave the posing bikini at home. Please. More significantly: yes, last quarter's ratings came in. HE PLOPS A FEW PRINTOUTS ON THE DESK. DAVE (CONT'D) Here's The Book. Everyone, please turn to page thirteen. THEY EXCITEDLY FLIP PAGES. DAVE (CONT'D) Lisa, tell me the first number in the fifth column. LISA (READING) Um... "All Stations Weekly Average Number of Listeners: 316,812"! DAVE And Matthew, the number next to it? MATTHEW WNYX Average... three! Aaahh!! MATTHEW FLINGS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AS IF ELECTROCUTED. DAVE Relax, Matthew, that's our ranking. MATTHEW Sorry, Dave... I think it's my blood- sugar. I'm not sure I like this new caffeinated granola... DAVE We've slipped a spot, gang, and before Mr. James comes calling, we need killer stories to tell him about. Jobs are made or broken by this. BETH Especially yours. DAVE Especially all of ours. Fortunately, the drop in listenership wasn't that great, so I know we can get it back. But I'll be looking at the way we work together as well - there may be some long-term changes. JOE What's the big deal? I mean, what's the difference between second and third? BILL One hundred four thousand listeners weekly, plus or minus a standard deviation. DAVE I'm impressed, Bill. BILL Celebrity knows its audience. MATTHEW (SARCASTIC) What does that have to do with you? BILL Well, my smooth little co-worker, one ratings point is worth several millions of dollars to the station, but more importantly, thousands of dollars in income to yours truly, so let's listen carefully to our boss' plans to get us back to second, shall we? DAVE No master plan, Bill, we just need to work harder. BILL Congratulations, Dave, it's that kind of thinking that got us into third. DAVE "Yo' mama." Is that still hip? (OTHERS SHAKE HEADS) Damn. Oh well. Lastly, I need someone to clean out the refrigerator - I found this in there. HE HOLDS UP AN OBLONG, FURRY OBJECT. LISA What was a bedroom slipper doing in the fridge? DAVE It's not a slipper, Lisa, it's a hot dog. STAFF Eww! / Yuck! / Whoa! MATTHEW Well, I guess I should get my little "science project" out of there. JOE Hey, Matthew almost made a joke. LISA No, really, it's his graduate school science project from '91. EVERYONE GRIMACES. DAVE Okay, that's it. Clean the fridge, great story angles to me by the end of the day. And stop teasing Matthew, Bill. THEY ALL NOD. SUDDENLY, MATTHEW FLIES OUT OF HIS CHAIR AGAIN. MATTHEW Oww!! DAVE Now what? BILL That was my fault, Chief. Matthew missed a hair. MATTHEW RUBS HIS NECK. CUT TO: ACT ONE SCENE B INT. DAVE'S OFFICE - LATER DAVE'S FRAZZLED LOOK AND CLUTTERED DESK SHOW THAT HE'S VERY BUSY. JIMMY ENTERS. JIMMY We're in third, Dave. DAVE I know, sir. JIMMY That's not good, Dave. DAVE Yes, I know, sir. JIMMY Third place doesn't get me as many dates as second. DAVE You get dates because of our ratings? JIMMY Not as many as before! Are you listening to me? DAVE Yes, I understand. We're working on it right now. JIMMY HOLDS UP A SMALL DOOHICKEY. JIMMY Know what this is? DAVE It looks like a promotional keychain of some sort. JIMMY With...? DAVE With... (LOOKS) a condom in it. JIMMY A WNYX keychain with a prophylactic molded right into it. See, Dave, I don't get this. Who would want a condom that you can't use? BETH WALKS IN. JIMMY (CONT'D) "I'd love to have sex with ya, darlin', but I can't get the rubber out of the damn plastic!!" BETH Uh, I can come back later... DAVE No, Beth... what did you want? BETH Mr. James, there's a man claiming to be Clint Eastwood on line one? JIMMY Thanks, Beth, I'll call him back. Lemme ask ya something, hon. (HOLDS UP CHAIN) You ever use a thing like this? BETH Sure. Finding a hammer at two in the morning is a bitch, though. SHE LEAVES. JIMMY STARES AT THE CONDOM. DAVE You like that little keychain, don't you. JIMMY Nah, it's crap. But it's the best Marketing could come up with, and that scares the hell outta me. DAVE Well, we're busy looking for new angles on issues from crime to education. JIMMY (FAKES SNORING) Forget the news, son. I want you to come up with something snappy like they do on TV - a jingle, or a doodad like this. Just make it better than (READS) "Drive Safely". DAVE You want the News Department to create a promo? JIMMY Ever seen that purple dinosaur, "Bernie", "Baby", somethin' like that? Now that's clever. That guy's nearly a billionaire! DAVE The dinosaur?? JIMMY The creator, Dave. You sniffing the White-Out again? DAVE One time! Look, Mr. James, these people aren't exactly known for their creativity... JIMMY Apparently, neither was Marketing. DAVE Was? JIMMY I canned 'em all. Remember, Dave: Success is a journey, not just a destination. DAVE What does that mean? JIMMY Don't know, Dave, I read it in a book... How about, "My company will lose millions over this ratings thing and that ticks me off"? DAVE We'll get the numbers back up, whatever it takes. JIMMY Maybe a bonus would stir things up... DAVE It might make it worth the distraction from our real jobs. Reporting news? JIMMY IS STARING INTO SPACE. JIMMY Paradise Island in the Bahamas. DAVE You'll send someone to the Bahamas? JIMMY No, Dave, I was just thinking where the hell I wish I was instead of dealing with this ratings mess. Well, good luck, you'll figure something out. (HE TURNS TO LEAVE) By Friday. DAVE Two days! Mr. James... Shouldn't we all just stick to our respective duties? JIMMY Ah, maybe you're right. What's my position, Dave? DAVE Well, you're the station owner, of course... JIMMY And what is my job description exactly? DAVE You tell us what to do. JIMMY That there sort of answers your question, now doesn't it! I already have to find a new marketing department, Dave, don't make me look for another News Director. HE EXITS SINGING. JIMMY (CONT'D) "I love you, you love me, we're a happy fa-mi-ly...." CUT TO: ACT ONE SCENE C INT. BULLPEN - A MINUTE LATER DAVE ENTERS FROM HIS OFFICE. DAVE Okay, everyone, slight change of plans. Mr. James wants to get the numbers back up by using fun promotional ideas. I need some really clever stuff by tomorrow. BILL I didn't spend twenty years in radio to be (FINGER QUOTES) "creative". DAVE Bill, sometimes we simply have to do what our boss says. Know what I mean? BILL Well, if I have to actually work with somebody, I want hazard pay. LISA I heard Mr. James say something about the Bahamas... MATTHEW A prize?? DAVE No -- BETH Oh, neato-coolo! I got a million ideas! JOE All right! Let's stop working and sit around making up stuff! DAVE OPENS HIS MOUTH, BUT RETHINKS AND GOES BACK TO HIS OFFICE. INT. DAVE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS HE SITS AND BEGINS PAPERWORK. BILL ENTERS. BILL Dave, what do I do here? DAVE Besides frustrate your boss with interruptions? BILL My title, Dave, my job title. DAVE Okay... Announcer. Reporter. Announcer-reporter. Reporting -- BILL I believe the words you're searching for are "Broadcast Journalist". And as the "talent" here at the station, and I mean that in all forms of the word -- DAVE Your point, Bill?? BILL I hate the contest. DAVE It's not really a contest - I just need a fun promotional concept. BILL Well, serious news announcers do not do "fun" things. DAVE I guess you're not counting the time you put jalapeño sauce in Matthew's cologne bottle, then? BILL That's different -- that's war. This business was created by and for intelligent, literate adults. BETH ENTERS EXCITED. BETH Okay, Poppa Bear says to Momma Bear (GRUFF VOICE) "Who's been listening to my radio station??" And Baby Bear says -- BILL FIRMLY PUSHES HER BACK OUT. BILL We have to focus on what news is really about: Death! Destruction! Mayhem! DAVE I think that's a little extreme... BILL Not at all. We simply scare the hell out of the listeners, and the numbers will go back up. DAVE If Mr. James wants a jingle, we have to give it to him, Bill. BILL Jingle, schmingle. This is about you not standing up to Jimmy. DAVE That's enough. Tell you what, Bill - I want you and Matthew to decide on a promo together. Maybe that will teach you something about playing nice with the other children. BILL You can't do that. I can't do that. They'll carry Matthew out on a stretcher! DAVE It's done. Now if you'll excuse me... HE RETURNS TO HIS PAPERWORK. BILL The writing is on the wall, Dave Nelson. This will tear the staff apart! DAVE Bill -- MATTHEW RUNS IN WEARING A TOY HARDHAT, COMPLETE WITH WAILING SIREN AND FLASHER ON TOP. MATTHEW (SINGING) Look out! It's an emergency! Look out! It's not on TV! BILL BASHES MATTHEW'S HEAD, DROPPING HIM LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES. BILL STORMS OUT AS THE SIREN WHIMPERS DOWN. CUT TO: ACT ONE SCENE D INT. BULLPEN - LATER MATTHEW SITS NEXT TO A TOTALLY DISGRUNTLED BILL. MATTHEW Something with little people. I like little people. BILL You mean dwarves? MATTHEW The correct term is "little people", Bill, don't be so insensitive. BILL How about "Pitch a Midget Day"? No? Okay... "Guess Their Weight in Ounces". DAVE ENTERS AND CROSSES TO GET COFFEE. BETH I think we should give cab drivers turbans that say "WNYX". LISA Yeah, but people would just think it was their name. BILL "The WNYX Midget Marathon." A lot of little guys running around... BETH SCOFFS. MATTHEW Okay then, Miss Fancy Frock, what's your idea? BETH I still like "Chicks dig guys who listen to the news. In bed." DAVE INTERJECTS. DAVE Look, maybe this isn't the best idea right now. Why doesn't one of you clean out the refrigerator instead? LISA Really. Something got up and crawled away this morning. (SMALL LAUGHS) I'm not joking, something just crawled out of the breakroom. THEY LOOK AT THE FLOOR NERVOUSLY. JIMMY (ENTERING FROM BREAKROOM) I'm not sure I appreciate that, Lisa. BETH'S PHONE RINGS. JIMMY (CONT'D) So, how are my kids doing? BETH Mr. James, it's that guy claiming to be Clint Eastwood again? DAVE I'll get it. Just great, Mr. James, we should have a workable idea by tomorrow. (INTO PHONE) Listen, pal -- JIMMY Well, let's hear 'em now! Who wants the prize? WHOOSH! CLICK! BETH HANGS DAVE UP. BETH I thought we could design some neat t-shirts. JIMMY Nope! LISA A concert in the park, something classical? JIMMY Nope! BILL "Even circus geeks need news." JIMMY Hmmm... (LONG BEAT) Nope! Well, keep tryin'! HE PULLS DAVE ASIDE FROWNING. JIMMY (CONT'D) Dave, I hate to be blunt here, but... I don't want to have to do any housecleaning. DAVE You'd fire one of my people over this?? JIMMY No, I meant housecleaning. Have you seen that refrigerator? Hoo-boy! Firing people 'cause they can't think up a promo -- man, you are one cold bastard! AS HE STARTS TO LEAVE, THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN. BETH ANSWERS. BETH Mr. James? (RE: PHONE) He swears he's Clint Eastwood. Boy, does he swear. JIMMY I'll get that in here. HE LEADS DAVE INTO: INT. DAVE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS AND ANSWERS THE PHONE. JIMMY Squint! How the hell are ya, you ol' dawg!... No kidding?... Uh huh. Okay, then, dinner on Saturday. Later, Squint! HE HANGS UP. DAVE That was really Clint Eastwood? JIMMY Yep. DAVE And he's a friend of yours? JIMMY Well, ol' Squint - he hates it when I call him that, "Squint" - Squint and I took acting lessons together back in Berkeley. Man, what a jokester - he and I once stole the teacher's dress... DAVE You and Clint Eastwood stole a woman's clothing. JIMMY Didn't say anything about a woman, Dave. Yeah, ol' Pinch-Face is gonna run for Mayor of New York City, how 'bout that? DAVE You're kidding. That's great, it's exactly the kind of story we need! Has he told anyone else yet? JIMMY Uh, no... and we can't either. He'll have us all killed. DAVE Oh, come on. JIMMY I'm serious. Remember that hurricane that almost blew Dan Rather's face off? That was Squint. DAVE Eastwood had something to do with Hurricane Opal? JIMMY All I'll say is, the man has connections. DAVE STARES AT HIS BOSS. JIMMY (CONT'D) Ever hear of Mike Ovitz? DAVE IS BAFFLED. JIMMY (CONT'D) Big banana at Disney? DAVE I know! Okay, just to clarify, sir... I'm pulling my hair out because I may get fired from my job, where I'm trying my damndest to get a talented yet fiercely individualistic staff to work together, and you want me to sit on one of the hottest stories of the year because a Hollywood celebrity and a Disney executive control the weather? JIMMY (SHEEPISH) Sounds weird when you say it. DAVE I can't tell my people that! Look, Mr. James, this breaking story is our ticket back to second. Not some clever little doodad. JIMMY Have no fear, Dave. I have every confidence that you and your fine crew will work together to create an absolutely great piece of promotional radio. HE OPENS THE DOOR. INT. BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS BETH Your idea sucks! MATTHEW Oh yeah, well you suck. JOE Not as much as you, King Suck! LISA I can't even tell you how much this all sucks! DAVE WILTS. BILL APPROACHES WEARING A BLACK ARMBAND. BILL This black cloth symbolizes my mourning for the complete and utter death of this station's professionalism. DAVE Bill... BILL And now I'm going to hold my breath until you put a stop to this. HE INHALES GREATLY, FILLING HIS CHEEKS LIKE DIZZY GILLESPIE. JIMMY TURNS TO DAVE. JIMMY Looks like you got some work to do, sailor! END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO SCENE E INT. DAVE'S OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON LISA STANDS BEHIND DAVE, WHO IS SEATED AT HIS DESK. HE PRESSES THE INTERCOM. DAVE Beth, hold my calls for 10 minutes. BETH (O.S.) (OVER PHONE) Backrub break? DAVE Just do it. BETH (O.S.) Sorry, Dave. Nike came up with that first. HE HANGS UP AND LISA MASSAGES HIS SHOULDERS. JOE ENTERS. JOE So, Boss, I'll empty the refrigerator if you go with my promo idea. DAVE Joe, no news station in their right mind would hold a "kegger". JOE Hey, eight or nine beers and you can get anyone to listen to us. UNDER DAVE'S GLARE, JOE SHRUGS AND LEAVES. DAVE This is awful. I can't believe I have to rely on them for something so important. LISA Do you think we can come up with something that'll make Mr. James happy? DAVE I don't know and I'm terrified. I'm getting enough pressure from him without having to count on people who can't remember to throw out food from the Kennedy Administration. BILL ENTERS, A SMALL BANDAGE ON HIS FOREHEAD. BILL Chief? DAVE How's your head, Bill? Getting enough oxygen now? BILL Fine. I'm actually rather glad it was Matthew who broke my fall. DAVE Bill, I'm still very busy... BILL Yes, the backrub was my main clue. LISA STEPS AWAY. BILL (CONT'D) This has to stop, Dave. Matthew wants to use animals, for God's sake, and I will not be party to any such behavior. LISA Shoot! I thought of that first! BILL I had to write it down, it terrified me so. (READING NOTE) "Tippy the Kitty loves Bill McNeal." Cats don't like me, Dave, and I don't like them. DAVE Perhaps they don't appreciate your aloofness. BILL I'm serious, Dave, I'm starting to lose my shi--... cool. DAVE Well, lose your "shkool" somewhere else. You know, Matthew's a fun guy, maybe I'll put him in the booth. Permanently. BILL GRITS HIS TEETH, STARTS TO LEAVE, BUT CLOSES THE DOOR. HE SCREWS UP HIS COURAGE. BILL This never goes out of this room. (THEY NOD) I used to be... fun. LISA You're pretty fun, Bill. BOTH DAVE AND BILL LOOK AT HER LIKE SHE'S NUTS. LISA (CONT'D) Well? BILL That was before some bone-headed advertising idea introduced me to the joy of Vitamin P. QUIZZICAL LOOKS. BILL (CONT'D) Prozac, guys, try to keep up. And I thought I was the uncreative one... HE SCANS THE ROOM. BILL (CONT'D) Okay... Twenty-three years ago, at KLAK 97.1, I was a novice who was just learning how to put the "over" in "voice-over". The owner thought it would be cute to use dogs in a promotional event. DAVE What happened? BILL Let's just say it wasn't the best idea to mix 97 Miniature Dachshunds and a truckload of green Jello. LISA Oh my God, were any of the poor little dogs hurt? BILL No, Lisa, thanks to the quick thinking of yours truly. I am sure, however, that in the recorded history of this planet, Bill McNeal is the only man to have sucked cold gelatin from the pointed little noses of wiener-dogs! DAVE AND LISA CAN ONLY STARE, STUPEFIED. DAVE Bill, as the News Director of this radio station, and your boss... (BEAT) I have absolutely no idea what to say. BILL I will not work on some "yippee- skippee" project with Matthew any longer. And if WNYX is marketed as "The Wacky Fun News Station", Dave, I will quit. Understand? DAVE Oh, Bill, you don't mean that. BILL Oh, I mean it. You either find an important news story to get us out of this rut, or I'm gone. You'll see my little silhouette running away from the Bill-shaped hole in the wall. DAVE Honestly, sometimes getting you people to work together is like... (REALIZES, SMIRKS) nailing Jello to a tree. LISA STIFLES A GUILTY GIGGLE. BILL Please!! No animals, no wacky fun, and no green Jello!! DAVE SURRENDERS A SIGH. DAVE Okay, I give up. Bill, can you keep a secret? LISA That story wasn't enough proof? DAVE You two can't tell anyone, but... Clint Eastwood is about to announce his candidacy for Mayor of New York. LISA That's great, a big story! BILL Dirty Harry's gonna kick some Big Apple ass? DAVE Yes. But Mr. James has requested that we wait and come up with a promo first. So, if you just keep quiet a little longer, we'll all get through this alive, okay? BILL As God is my witness, Dave, I will never, ever betray your confidence. But I have a very important question. DAVE Yes? BILL What if I were to mention it briefly? DAVE Don't. BILL A broad hint? DAVE Bill, if you don't keep this under wraps, I'll tell Matthew you secretly want to be his lifetime dog-walker. BILL STIFFENS. BILL You win this round, Boy Wonder, but I shall be vindicated... (BEAT) Now, can you get someone to clean out that damn refrigerator? Doesn't anybody actually work around here? HE EXITS INTO: INT. BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS WHERE MATTHEW WALKS UP WITH A FOLDED-PAPER CUT-OUT OF THE "WNYX" LOGO. MATTHEW Hey, Bill, wanna learn how to do this? BILL RIPS IT IN HALF AND QUICKLY ENTERS THE BOOTH. BILL We interrupt this newscast to bring you an extremely urgent bulletin that affects all New Yorkers... DAVE POKES HIS HEAD OUT, GLARING. BILL But I'm not telling. Details tomorrow! CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE F INT. DAVE'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY STRESSED DAVE AT WORK, BILL STROLLS IN SMUGLY. BILL You know, I just realized something... If Jimmy finds out that you broke your promise, you'll be back in Cheese-town reporting on the latest cow-tipping... DAVE STANDS. DAVE Don't even think it... BILL And it occurs to me that my reputation as a journalist far outweighs anything you can dish out... DAVE Don't play hardball with me, Bill - you will lose. BILL What's that I hear? You're mooo-ving? THEY SQUARE OFF LIKE PRIZE FIGHTERS. DAVE You don't know what I'm capable of. BILL Take your best shot, Bossie. IT'S A STANDOFF... JIMMY ENTERS. JIMMY William, my man! Got any sexy promo slogans for me? BILL Oh, I've got something sexy for you to hear, Jimmy... DAVE QUICKLY REACHES INTO HIS DESK AND YANKS OUT A DOG LEASH. DAVE Bill, can you give this to Matthew, please? DAVE HOLDS THE LEASH UP TO BILL LIKE A CROSS TO A VAMPIRE. BILL RECOILS ACCORDINGLY. BILL LOOKS TO JIMMY, THEN THE LEASH. HE OPENS HIS MOUTH TO SPEAK, AND DAVE STEPS CLOSER. BILL REFLEXIVELY SCRUNCHES. JIMMY Speak up, Bill. BILL REPEATEDLY STRUGGLES TO VOCALIZE, BUT DAVE VAN HELSING FORCES HIM BACK AGAIN AND AGAIN. FINALLY, COWERING AT THE DOORWAY, BILL EMITS WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A WHIMPERING PEEP, AND RUSHES OUT. JIMMY That's one hell of a management technique, son. (BEAT) Maybe that's what caused the huge jump in the evening drive-time numbers last night... DAVE The numbers are going up? JIMMY Unless Squint controls Arbitron, too. DAVE Wow, Oliver Stone's got nothing on you, sir. Look, Mr. James, let's just tell them about Eastwood and get on with our jobs. They're already working together across departments, and combined with real news we'll be back in second place before you know it. JIMMY "Working across departments", eh? Is that what you call the circus act I just witnessed? DAVE With all due respect, sir, what about simple honesty? LISA ENTERS FLIPPING THROUGH A SHEAF OF PAPERS. LISA I called up some files about Clint running for Carmel... SHE SEES JIMMY. LISA (CONT'D) Clint...-on... running for... caramels... Clinton running for caramels, he loves that candy, you know! JIMMY LOOKS ASKANCE AT DAVE. JIMMY Looks like the "simple" outweighed the "honesty". HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AS HE EXITS, DAVE FOLLOWING. INT. BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS BILL WORKS THE AIRWAVES. BILL And now for that big, big political news... JIMMY AND DAVE STOP IN THEIR TRACKS. BILL QUICKLY CALCULATES HIS FUTURE... BILL (CONT'D) Which is so big it won't even fit through the door of the broadcast booth! Tune in tomorrow... Say, where's my crowbar? BILL TURNS HIS BACK TO THE GLASS AND PRETENDS TO READ COPY. JIMMY (TO THE ROOM) Listen up, people, I have an announcement. WORK STOPS. JIMMY (CONT'D) In just one day, the numbers are quickly increasing. Whatever you're doing, keep it up! DAVE Oh, no, I think that's a mistake, sir... JIMMY But I still need that promo - tomorrow morning, eight a.m. sharp! HE STARTS TO LEAVE. JIMMY (CONT'D) Thrill me! HE'S GONE. DAVE LOOKS BEATEN. DAVE I wonder if my Mom'll let me move back in for a while... HE EXITS TO HIS OFFICE. MATTHEW What would make our numbers go up in one day? (BEAT) I guess sometimes life just says, "Good work, Matthew". BETH And sometimes life says, "Par-taaay!!" JOE Hey, let's go to the bar tonight and you guys can come up with an idea there. MATTHEW Nothing wrong with a few "brewskis" to get creative... A THOUGHTFUL PAUSE. JOE Chug! Chug! Chug! THE STAFF JOINS IN. STAFF CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! DAVE'S HEAD POPS OUT OF HIS OFFICE - THEY STOP INSTANTLY. HE POPS BACK. STAFF (VERY SOFTLY) Chug, chug, chug... CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE G INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY - NEXT MORNING BING! DAVE COMES OFF THE ELEVATOR AS MATTHEW RUSHES TO THE BATHROOM HOLDING HIS MOUTH. INT. BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS AT THE COFFEE STAND, DAVE APPROACHES A GRIMACING BETH, WHO'S GOBBLING ASPIRIN. DAVE Beth? BETH Oh, Jeez, Dave! You don't have to yell! DAVE (SOFTLY) Sorry. Beth, can you -- BETH Man alive, keep it down! HE GESTURES IN MOCK SIGN-LANGUAGE, BUT SHE DOESN'T GET IT. INT. DAVE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS DAVE ENTERS AND PICKS UP THE PHONE. DAVE Beth? A BEAT, THEN HE WHISPERS SOMETHING VERY SOFTLY INTO THE PHONE. THE STAFF STRAGGLES IN AND LINES UP. ALL DISHEVELED, THEY LOOK LIKE THE DIRTY HALF-DOZEN. DAVE (LOUDLY) THANK YOU!! THEY GRIMACE. DAVE TWISTS THE KNIFE. DAVE LISA SAID THAT -- THEY FLINCH AGAIN. DAVE TONES IT DOWN. DAVE Lisa has informed me you've come up with a pretty good promo idea. Something tells me the fact that it was spawned by three dozen tequila shots should concern me... but go ahead. LISA BLOWS A NOTE ON A PITCH PIPE. THEY ALL BLANCH, BUT MATCH PITCH. WELL, APPROXIMATELY. STAFF (HUMMING) "Mmmmmmmmnmnnggkhkhhmmm..." (COUGH, GAG) DAVE Wait! This isn't going to be a selection from "A Chorus Line", is it? LISA No, Dave... DAVE Because I'm not sure I can handle Matthew's high kicks this morning. MATTHEW I didn't know the lamp was an antique, Dave. Gosh, one misplaced arabesque and he gets all bent out of shape. DAVE Okay, go ahead. LISA BLOWS THE PIPE AGAIN. MORE GROANS. DAVE Hold on. Matthew, are you okay? MATTHEW (LOOKING AT HANDS) Have I always had eleven fingers? DAVE Yes. Lisa? LISA BLOWS THE PIPE A THIRD TIME. JIMMY WALKS IN. JIMMY Hey, gang! LISA BLASTS A RESOUNDING SCREECH!! MATTHEW NEARLY FAINTS. DAVE Good morning, sir. I was just about to preview your new ad campaign... JIMMY Super-duper! Wait a minute. Is this gonna be a scene from Chorus Line? 'Cause I had to dock Matthew's paycheck for that Chinese endtable... MATTHEW No, sir. JIMMY Lay it on me, guys. EVERYONE TAKES A DEEP BREATH. LISA BLOWS THE NOTE. STAFF (SINGING SOFTLY) It's a secret... BILL "Five Eight Five A.M. News Radio..." STAFF It's a secret... BILL "WNYX. No secret here: we tell everything." STAFF "Shhhhhh..." THEY LOOK EXPECTANTLY AT JIMMY, WHO IS CLEARLY THINKING HARD. DAVE Sir? JIMMY You guys make this up together? THEY ALL NOD. JIMMY (CONT'D) You gonna quit, Bill? BILL Not if I can get the hell outta here. Say, to a beach? JIMMY Okay, then, I'll tell Marketing. Oh, damn, that's right. HE TURNS TO LEAVE. BETH Um, Mr. James? The tiny, sober part of my brain wants to ask: does that mean there's no prize? JIMMY Oh, yeah. Keychains all around! See ya. DAVE Hold on, sir. Isn't there another very important announcement you'd like to make? THEY LOOK EXPECTANTLY AT JIMMY. HE HESITATES, THEN: JIMMY That fridge is really a mess, Judas priest! DAVE And? JIMMY My birthday's comin' up? BILL Oh, for God's sake! Clint Eastwood is running for Mayor of New York!! DAVE Thank you, Bill, I'm sure that was orgasmic. BILL IS PANTING RATHER HAPPILY. JIMMY Dave, the emotion you create is inspiring. DAVE It was the wiener-dogs, sir. (OFF JIMMY'S LOOK) I'll explain later. MATTHEW I like Clint Eastwood. Even though he's definitely not a little person. BETH I think he could use a little moisturizer on his face... JIMMY Yeah, poor Squint never recovered from that hot-tub gag. But that's another story. Good-bye, children, drive safely! CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE H INT. BREAKROOM MATTHEW SITS EATING FROM A TUPPERWARE BOWL. BILL STANDS AT A DISTANCE, SIPPING COFFEE. DAVE ENTERS AND LOOKS IN THE REFRIGERATOR. DAVE Oh, my God!! MATTHEW (SMUG) Is there a problem, Dave? DAVE It's clean! BILL Matthew and I came in early and scrubbed it out. MATTHEW Bill wore an apron! DAVE Cute. MATTHEW Not as cute as when he stuck the dishwashing glove on his head and inflated it with his nose. DAVE LOOKS AT BILL. BILL I'm a wacky fun guy. DAVE Howie Mandel lives. Well, I wanted to personally thank you two for putting aside your differences to come up with a great slogan. Well, as least, one that doesn't make us all vomit. Hmm, I guess I can't say that either... MATTHEW You're welcome. I was the one who realized that Bill wasn't telling the whole truth. BILL But, ultimately it was my voice-over. MATTHEW Yes, but it was my original concept. BILL Which I made soar with MY vocal tonalities! DAVE Okay, okay! Guys? Thank you. Honestly, thank you from the bottom of my very busy heart. DAVE LEAVES. BILL DOWNS A FINAL GULP OF COFFEE. BILL Just remember, Matthew, who they call "Talent". HE STARTS TO WALK OUT. MATTHEW Sure thing, Bill. Hey, want some of this green Jello? BILL'S EYES GO WIDE, BUT HE RECOVERS. BILL No thanks, Matthew, I've already had some. (BEAT) Two months ago, it used to be milk. MATTHEW SLOWLY SPITS OUT THE GREEN SUBSTANCE BACK INTO THE TUPPERWARE. END OF SHOW |
Screenplay created with Final Draft, which is a darn fine product. (Link goes to Amazon, because I like passive income. #advertising)
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