The following screenplay is Registered WGA #549526 and Copyright 1994 by Kristian Idol. Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent. |
TEASER INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - FRIDAY EVENING JILL IS PREPARING DINNER. BRAD SHUFFLES IN THE FRONT DOOR WITH A HANG-DOG LOOK, RANDY FOLLOWS. JILL Boy, you guys are home late. (RE: BRAD) What's wrong, honey? RANDY Brad got a "D" on his vocabulary test. I guess he wasn't erudite enough. BRAD Man, I'll never get these big words. JILL A "D"?! You're smarter than that... JILL TAKES A PIECE OF HOMEWORK AND READS. JILL "Feckless." (BEAT) "Without feck"?! BRAD You were the one who told me to guess if I didn't know it! TIM COMES IN FROM THE GARAGE, WIPING BLACK GREASE OFF HIS HANDS WITH A RAG. RANDY Hey, Dad, do you know what the word "feckless" means? TIM Ah, "Not having feck", why? JILL Brilliant, Professor. Randy got a "D" on his vocabulary test. TIM Whoa, Nellie! Let me see that. (GRABS PAPER AND SKIMS) What the heck is "air-you-ditty"? JILL "Erudite." RANDY It means "smart", Dad -- like Mom! TIM Ha, ha, little one. I don't see any real words on here, like "carburetion", or "oversteer". JILL Those kind of words will only get you so far, Tim. BRAD My teacher says that vocabulary is really important if you wanna be a successful person. TIM That's right! A person like me, who knows what the word "manifold" means. And look what I've become. HE HANDS A GREASE-SMUDGED TEST BACK TO BRAD. EVERYONE CONSIDERS FOR A MOMENT... RANDY You better study real hard, Brad. BRAD Man, if I flunk the re-test I'll have to take English again next semester. JILL Flunk?! Oh, no, young man, no one's ever flunked in my family. You're going to study all weekend. BRAD Aw, jeez. Why did Miss McCarthy make the re-test on Monday? TIM Because the torture-chamber's busy? BRAD Can you help me study, Mom? TIM I can help ya, sport. JILL Oh gosh, Brad, tonight is my library group... TIM I'll help ya, Brad. JILL And I wanted to go to this garage sale tomorrow... TIM Brad? RANDY Maybe Wilson can help you. TIM Bradleee. BRAD Hey, maybe Al's not busy! TIM'S EYES BUG OUT AS HE CLUTCHES HIS CHEST, AND WE... CUT TO: ACT ONE Scene 1 INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - SATURDAY MORNING TIM SITS AT THE DINNER TABLE FLIPPING THROUGH A LARGE DICTIONARY. JILL ENTERS THE KITCHEN, WEARING HER BATHROBE. JILL Mornin', hon, whatcha doing? TIM I'm looking up these words on Brad's test. Have you even heard of the word... "apotheosis", let alone what it means? It means "An exalted or-- JILL TIM "--glorified ideal." --glorified ideal." Yeah - how did you know that? JILL Because, I am the apotheosis of the patient and understanding wife. TIM Hmm. Yes, you are. (FIGURING IT OUT) Heey... JILL Anyway, Tim, remember, I'm going garage-saleing today. There's four sales on 13 Mile, so Karen and I are going to wander around. TIM Well, just don't wander us into bankruptcy, okay? JILL I thought I could pick up some knickknacks for the house. RANDY AND MARK ENTER AND SIT AT THE BREAKFAST BAR. TIM Knickknacks, huh? Isn't that Midwestern for "crap"? JILL Tim, don't say that word. I don't like it. TIM "Midwestern"? RANDY The subject is crap, Dad. MARK What's crap? JILL GLARES AT TIM. JILL You see, now they're already using it. Next thing you know, we'll all be sitting in front of the principal. TIM Don't say that word, guys. It's not (LOOKING AT PAPER) "er-u-dite". JILL That's right, you listen to the apotheosis of fatherhood, boys. RANDY & MARK What?? TIM I know that one, I know that one! TIM STANDS AND PUFFS UP HIS CHEST. TIM Look upon the exalted ideal of fatherdom, you tiny humans! THE EXALTED IDEAL IS STANDING IN PINK BOXERS AND WHITE TUBE SOCKS. RECONSIDERING, HE SITS. JILL Now, you guys behave yourselves today - it's very important to let your father help Brad with his vocabulary while I look for knickknacks. RANDY You mean, "crap". JILL Randall Taylor, stop saying that word right now! RANDY Yes, Mom. BRAD COMES DOWN THE STAIRS. BRAD 'Morning. TIM Hey you guys, come here. THE BOYS CROSS TO TIM. TIM First lesson: This is Mom's dictionary. You can look up any word that you don't know the meaning of, and find it right in here! RANDY This is a new experience for you, isn't it, Dad? BRAD TURNS A FEW PAGES. JILL APPROACHES AS HE FINDS A WORD. BRAD (READING) "Crap. Vulgar slang, meaning--" TIM LAUGHS. JILL SLAMS THE BOOK SHUT ON HIS FINGER. TIM Yeow! (POINTING) He said it! JILL (TO BRAD) Try looking up "Grounded for 2 weeks", young man. TIM Actually, honey, I think that's a phrase. ICY STARE FROM JILL. BRAD Sorry, Mom. MARK I like words, I think they're neat. RANDY You would. JILL Randy... Vocabulary is very important. Knowing the meaning of words and how to spell them will get you a good job someday. TIM Yeah, one where you can push people around, like I do. JILL BRIGHTENS WITH AN IDEA. JILL You know what... SHE CROSSES TO THE ENTERTAINMENT CENTER. JILL (CONT'D) Why don't we all stay in tonight and play Scrabble? THE OLDER BOYS ROLL THEIR EYES, BUT MARK SMILES. MARK Cool! BRAD On a Saturday night?! TIM Uh, Jill... JILL FORAGES AROUND IN THE CABINET AND PULLS OUT HER GAME. JILL Here it is! TIM Jill? SHE OPENS IT UP. TIM RUBS HIS FOREHEAD. BRAD But I was going to study vocabulary with Ashley tonight. RANDY Yeah, you're gonna study words like "kissy-face" and "smoochies". BRAD SHOVES HIS SMIRKING BROTHER. JILL Where are all the letters? There's only... five tiles in here. BOY, DOES TIM LOOK GUILTY. JILL Guys? Tim? THE KIDS SHRUG. TIM Umm... I guess I sort of used them for something else. JILL Used them? For what? TIM Well... you remember the birdhouse I built you a coupla months back? JILL Yes... TIM And, you remember how you wanted the little birdies to be safe and snug in their comfy, little winter home... JILL Yeeess... TIM WALKS TO THE WINDOW. TIM Well, it seems those tiles were the perfect size for a beautiful slate roof. JILL Tim!! TIM Oh, look, honey, there's Mr. Sparrow enjoying our Scrabble game right now! JILL Tim, I can't believe you used my Scrabble tiles! From the game I've had since college! TIM I'm sorry honey, I'll get ya a new one, I promise. MARK Does this mean we're not playing tonight? BRAD AND RANDY SMACK A HIGH FIVE. BRAD All right! RANDY Dad does the right thing for once! THE OLDER BOYS HUSTLE OUTSIDE, MARK FOLLOWS. TIM I'll fix it, honey, I swear. JILL Sometimes, Tim, I just don't know. SHE EXITS UPSTAIRS. TIM LOOKS OUT AT THE BIRDHOUSE. TIM Bundle up, birdies, it's gonna be a cooold winter. AND WE... CUT TO: ACT ONE Scene 2 INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - EARLY SATURDAY AFTERNOON JILL AND KAREN STRUGGLE IN CARRYING A LARGE BOX. TIM IS STILL AT THE TABLE. TIM Gee, I hope you didn't blow our budget on a box you can't even carry yourself. JILL OPENS THE FLAPS AND PULLS OUT A VERY SMALL, CARVED END TABLE. JILL Ta-daa! KAREN Can you believe it? JILL PROUDLY SETS IT NEXT TO THE COUCH. TIM Do I wanna believe it? What is that?! JILL It's an end table I picked up at the sale. Isn't it darling? It was only twelve dollars. TIM Great, that's only about eleven-fifty too much. JILL Tim! We need something for this end of the room. TIM This end of the room? We've already got this end of the room at this end of the room! KAREN I thought it was a steal. TIM Somebody should have stolen it before you. HE LOOKS IT OVER. TIM (CONT'D) You know, if this thing was a person, it would be singing "The Lollipop Song" to Dorothy. KAREN Oh, Jill, it looks just great in your living room. TIM Man, I can think of a few choice vocabulary words to describe that. JILL Well, I think it's wonderful. SITTING DOWN, TIM SARCASTICALLY MOUTHS JILL'S WORDS. KAREN It's so delicate and dainty. TIM Hey! Nothing I've ever had, done or... eaten could be described as dainty, okay?! JILL That's not what you said about a particular piece of lingerie I own. THE WOMEN LAUGH AT TIM'S EMBARRASSMENT. TIM That's different. Underwear's not supposed to have strong miter joints! (BEAT) Except maybe Madonna's. Do we have to put it next to my couch? JILL Your couch? TIM Yeah, my couch, where I watch all my games, and drink my beer, which, by the way, I don't wanna put (MOTIONING TO END TABLE) on poor Mr. Munchkin's dainty little head! JILL Well, I watch my stories, and eat my Peanut M & M's on this couch, which, by the way, was bought with my Visa card! TIM Well, I don't like it. What we need is some manly furniture, like maybe a forty-horsepower Barcalounger. HE MAKES A SHIFTING GESTURE AND VROOMING NOISES. TIM (CONT'D) Any other useful purchases I should know about? A balsa-wood hammer for me, perhaps? JILL No, just this. SHE REACHES INTO THE BOX AND PULLS OUT A PORCELAIN FIGURINE OF A BOY SITTING NEXT TO A COW. TIM Oh, Jeez, look at this one. I can't believe you're spending our money on this stuff, Jill. This is the same thing as last summer, when we had our sale, and then you walked across the street and bought all the Valmino's garbage. JILL It was not garbage, Tim, I bought some interesting things at the Valmino's sale. TIM A chess set with characters from "South Pacific"? JILL It's my favorite musical! TIM Yeah, but you couldn't even tell the King from the Queen because they both had bandanas around their heads. JILL The Queen was the one carrying the fruit! Oh, never mind, Tim. It's just a cute little thing to put on the table. SHE SETS IT ON THE END TABLE. IT NEARLY COVERS THE TOP OF THE MINUSCULE PIECE OF FURNITURE. JILL Besides, (WINKS AT KAREN) I look at it as helping the cash flow of the economy. TIM PICKS UP THE FIGURINE AND LOOKS AT THE BOTTOM. TIM Oh, I'm sure President Clinton will be very happy that you bought "Boy Milking Cow". HE PLACES IT BACK. JILL It looks good there. TIM Well, as long as all that extra weight doesn't crush the table. (LOOKS AT WATCH) Oh, hey, I have to get to the taping. HE GRABS HIS COAT OFF THE COUCH AND PUTS IT ON. KAREN Jill, let's try on the blouses we got for fifty cents! JILL Okay! JILL AND KAREN CROSS TO THE FOYER, CHATTING ENTHUSIASTICALLY. TIM Fifty cents? Whew, there's some fine material. (YELLING AFTER THEM) Must be silks from Persia! TIM WATCHES THEM DISAPPEAR UPSTAIRS. HE LOOKS AT THE LITTLE WIMPY TABLE, THEN TO THE STAIRS... HE SETS THE BOY/COW ASIDE, GRABS THE TABLE AND SNEAKS TO THE DOOR. HE SLIPS OUT. AND WE... CUT TO: ACT ONE Scene 3 INT. "TOOL TIME" SET - LATE SATURDAY AFTERNOON THE CAMERAS DOLLY INTO POSITION. TIM Welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you may know my assistant, Al "I sure ain't dainty" Borland. AL Greetings. TIM Today on Tool Time, we'll be looking at wood-- (HOLDS UP A PIECE OF PINE) --burning. HE TOUCHES A WOODBURNING IRON TO THE BOARD AND GRIMACES REPEATEDLY. TIM Ssssss! Oo! Ah! Oh! AL Woodburning is an ancient art, probably first practiced by Cro-Magnon cavemen. TIM THEATRICALLY SUMMONS THE AUDIENCE. THE ENTIRE BLEACHERS BEGIN GRUNTING. AL (CONT'D) As an example of what can be done with woodburning, I made this lovely plaque. AL HOLDS UP A POLISHED RECTANGLE WITH "TOOL TIME" ORNATELY ETCHED INTO IT. TIM And I did this lovely rendition of Al's Mom. TIM HOLDS UP A FINE PIECE OF WOODBURNING DEPICTING ABE LINCOLN. AL TENSES HIS JAW. AL But today we'll be starting you off slowly, by etching simple block letters, such as could be used in this popular word game... AL DISPLAYS A TILE HOLDER WITH TWO TILES ON IT, AN "A" AND AN "L". HE SMILES PROUDLY. TIM Whew! Man's work, eh, Al? TIM ROLLS HIS EYES AT THE CAMERA. AL We'll be back after these messages. AND WE... CUT TO: ACT ONE Scene 4 INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - SATURDAY NIGHT THE ENTIRE TAYLOR FAMILY AND AL SIT AROUND THE DINING TABLE PLAYING SCRABBLE. AL PLACES SOME LETTER TILES. AL "Xenon". That's one, double letter is three, four, five, plus eight is thirteen, and triple word is 39 points. MARK Wow! Thirty-nine points! TIM Xenon?? What is that, some kind of planet? AL Actually, Tim, it's an inert gas. Sort of like the hot air you've been blowing. HE ENJOYS HIS OWN JOKE. TIM SCOWLS. AL (CONT'D) Your turn, boss. TIM SHUFFLES HIS TILES A BIT AND SEEKS REVENGE. TIM So, too bad you couldn't get a date tonight, Al. RANDY That was kinda crappy, Dad. JILL Randy... AL For your information, Tim, Ilene wanted to come tonight, but she was busy. TIM Busy with another date from the planet Xenon. TIM LAYS DOWN TWO LETTERS. TIM (CONT'D) Well, Al, speaking of planets, I'll just use your 'N' to make "sun". S, U, N, giving Brad and me... BRAD Three points, Dad. JILL All right, Tim! AL You know, Tim, the sun isn't a planet, it's a star. TIM Yeah? Like I'm the star of Tool Time, who may not have Planet Al revolving around him much longer! Especially since we have to re-do the second half of today's segment. AL Well, Tim, I wasn't the one who tried to hook up a five-inch wood-burner to a house generator, was I? TIM It wasn't that big a fire... RANDY POKES AT HIS TILES. RANDY Hey, look, Mom, we have a "C", an "R", and an "A". All we need is an "P" and we could spell-- FLAMES SHOOT OUT OF JILL'S EYES. RANDY Carp! We could spell "carp"! HE PURSES HIS LIPS INTO A FISH FACE. THE OTHERS FOLLOW SUIT, EVEN AL. JILL SHAKES HER HEAD. SHE HOLDS UP A TILE WITH A FUNNY SQUIGGLE ON IT. JILL Tim, what letter is this? AL It looks like an Egyptian hieroglyph. (TO THE BOYS) Do you know what that word means, guys? It's an illegible or hard-to-read character. RANDY I think we figured that out, duh. TIM It's supposed to be a "W", Jill. JILL TWISTS THE TILE AROUND A FEW TIMES. SHE STILL DOESN'T SEE IT. TIM Okay, so I was getting the hang of woodburning, all right? RANDY You could always make an Egyptian Scrabble game, Dad. TIM That's it, I was making a Russian version. Yes, we must play some Scrabbleski, Comrades! SUDDENLY, JILL GETS AN ANXIOUS LOOK ON HER FACE. JILL Tim, where's my end table?? TIM Um... riding a pony at the Midget Furniture Ranch? SHE GETS UP AND SEARCHES AROUND THE COUCH. JILL What did you do with my table?! RANDY Dad put it up in the attic with your other garage sale crap. JILL He put it--? Randy, stop saying that word! TIM Aw, honey, it's just a joke. I'll bring it down. We're feeding it steroids! THE BOYS LAUGH ALONG WITH TIM, BUT AL RESPECTFULLY REFRAINS. JILL WALKS TO THE KITCHEN. JILL Tim, can I see you in the kitchen, immediately? TIM Come on, Jill, take it easy and come back to the game. I think I see where you can score... four points! JILL Tim, unless you enjoy the sensation of having Scrabble tiles shoved up your nose, you come over here this instant! THE WHOLE TABLE IS SILENT. TIM GETS UP AND MOPES OVER. TIM Aw, Jill, it just got in the way. JILL In the way? My little table? How about that darn hot rod - we couldn't park in the garage for a year! TIM That's different. JILL How is it different? TIM Uh... because it was mine? JILL Tim, I want you to return my table... and teach your sons not to use profanity, or... (SOTTO) Or you'll never get to see my "dainty" lingerie until 2010! SHE TURNS TO THE LIVING ROOM, WHERE THE GUYS AT THE TABLE ARE ALL LEANING TOWARD HER, STRAINING TO HEAR HER REBUKE. THEY ALL REACT TO BEING CAUGHT. JILL Good night, gentlemen! SHE HUFFS UPSTAIRS. TIM LOOKS AT HIS FEET. TIM Ah, crap. HE STARTLES AT HIS MISTAKE AND LOOKS TO SEE IF THE BOYS HEARD HIM, AND WE... FADE OUT END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene 1 INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - EARLY SUNDAY AFTERNOON TIM POURS A BOWL OF CHIPS IN THE KITCHEN, BUT SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG WITH HIS NECK - IT'S AT SUCH A RADICAL ANGLE THAT HIS EAR NEARLY TOUCHES HIS SHOULDER. JILL ENTERS. TIM How was the bed, honey? JILL Wonderful. How was the couch? TIM Oh, just swell. TIM CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND JOINS BRAD AND RANDY WATCHING FOOTBALL ON TELEVISION. TIM I don't suppose you guys could turn the TV sideways? THEY SHAKE "NO". TIM SETS THE BOWL DOWN, GRABS HIS HEAD, AND WITH A GRIMACE, RE-ORIENTS IT. JILL So, Brad, you better be prepared this time. RANDY Aw, Mom, you're so tenacious. BRAD Yeah, this is only a small cessation of work. JILL LOOKS STUNNED. GRINNING WITH PRIDE, TIM HOLDS UP A BOOK. TIM I got a thesaurus. BRAD AND RANDY EACH HOLD UP AN IDENTICAL BOOK. TIM (CONT'D) I got everyone thesauruses! Thesaurus- es-es-es. JILL Thesauri. TIM Thanks, honey, you don't have to apologize. Look, I made this for you. HE SHOWS A WOODBURNT PLAQUE THAT SAYS "SORRY". THE LETTER "Y" IS ASKEW. JILL Awww. I think I'll put it right over... the bed. A COMMOTION TURNS TIM BACK TO THE GAME. TIM What happened? Aw, Jeez! Holding. Holding? What a bunch of crap! JILL Tim!!! BRAD Gosh, Dad, you're bothering Mom's tranquillity. RANDY Yeah, you should desist using the word "crap". TIM Okay, boys, that's enough. JILL Congratulations, Dr. Frankenstein. I don't think there's a worse habit you could've taught them. THE LIONS SCORE. TIM Touchdown!! THE BOYS LEAP UP AND VICTORY-DANCE WITH TIM, GYRATING LIKE MANIACS. TIM, BRAD & RANDY Ooga-booga, ooga-booga... hey-hey! Ooga-booga, ba-booga-booga-- JILL I stand corrected. SHE THINKS FOR A FEW MOMENTS. THE GUYS SIT, GLUED TO THE SET AGAIN. JILL Tim? TIM Yeah, hon, just a second. JILL Tim, I need to talk to you. TIM Yeah, Jill, after the extra point. SHE WALKS OVER AND TURNS OFF THE SET. AMID GRUMBLING, SHE STARES DIRECTLY AT TIM. JILL Right now. TIM Uh, guys, why don't you go outside and spackle something? WITH A LITTLE MORE GRIPING, THEY GET UP AND EXIT TO THE BACK YARD. TIM This won't take more than a quarter, will it, hon? 'Cause, see, the Lions are-- JILL Tim, you know I'm very concerned about what the boys are learning from you. TIM The Ooga-Booga Dance is a little too much, huh? JILL Tim, if I've learned anything at all at the magazine, it's the influence of words. Words make the person. And if the boys think it's all right to use profanity, then we haven't done our jobs as parents. TIM Aw, Jill... there's a lot worse things they could say, you know. You should hear some of the words the Tool Time guys use, whoo! JILL Yes, but we didn't name our children "Moose". No offense, Tim, but I want the boys to aspire to more than being a go-fer on a cable TV show. TIM How about the Head Assistant Go-fer? He gets to polish the tools! JILL I'm serious, Tim! The boys look up to you. Well, at least Mark still does. And I'm not sure if you understand that responsibility sometimes. TIM Aw, sure I do, hon. JILL Hiding the table I can forgive, but the way we raise our children is extremely important to me. TIM How about if I swear at the table and hide the children? JILL How about you explain to your sons once and for all? SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND CALLS THEM. THEY ENTER. JILL Boys, your father has something to say. TIM Guys, your mom thinks-- (OFF JILL'S LOOK) and I... steadfastly agree, that you shouldn't say "crap" any more. Got it? BRAD Sure, Dad. RANDY NODS. TIM Now, let's watch some big guys send each other to the hospital! RANDY That's okay, Dad - we found some dice outside, and Brad's teaching me to play craps! THEY RUN OUT, LAUGHING LIKE DEVILS. JILL THROWS HER ARMS UP AS TIM TRIES NOT TO SMILE. AND WE... CUT TO: ACT TWO Scene 2 INT. "TOOL TIME" SET - LATE SUNDAY AFTERNOON THE SECOND SEGMENT BEGINS. AL Welcome back. In this half, we'll show you a more involved use of the wood iron. (HE TURNS) Heidi? HEIDI ROLLS IN A LARGE, STAINED TABLE WITH DARK MARKS AND GOUGES IN IT. TIM Probably the most interesting example of woodburning technique has been used on this handsome dining room table. AL That's right, Tim, it's called "distressing" the wood. TIM In contrast to "distressing the host". TIM GRABS FISTFULS OF HIS HAIR AND SHAKES HIS BUG- EYED HEAD. AL Distressing is an artificial way to make the wood look older, like a classic piece of furniture. TIM And what a classic this is, Al. Look at her! Solid as a rock. As compared to this: FROM BEHIND A CORNER, TIM BRINGS OUT JILL'S LITTLE END TABLE AND SETS IT NEXT TO THE HUGE BLOCKY ONE. THE TABLES LOOK LIKE FATHER AND INFANT. TIM (MOCK WONDER) Oh, it's so dainty! (BEAT) You know, furniture should be big and sturdy... like Al's Mom. Not small and useless. AL ...Like Tim's brain. Another way to distress wood is by beating it with a hammer or mallet. HE HOLDS UP A METAL HAMMER. TIM Of course, some tables will require a special tool... TIM BENDS DOWN BY THE DELICATE TABLE AND PRODUCES A PLASTIC KIDDIE HAMMER, THE KIND THAT SQUEAK. HE HITS THE LITTLE TABLE LIKE A RAPID PISTON. CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP! TIM I am so distressed!! AL One definition of the word "distressed" is, "being in need of immediate assistance". TIM LOOKS UP, THEN RESUMES FLAILING, THE HAMMER SQUEAKING MERCILESSLY, AND WE... CUT TO: ACT TWO Scene 3 EXT. BACKYARD - EARLY SUNDAY EVENING TIM EXITS THE HOUSE. WILSON WEARS A BANDANA OVER MOST OF HIS FACE AND CARRIES A FUMIGATOR. WILSON Hi-ho, neighbor! TIM And yippee-ki-yay to you. Where's the showdown? WILSON POINTS TO HIS OVERHANG. WILSON That hornet's nest up in the corner. TIM Ooo, Wilson Earp and the O.K. Bee's Nest. WILSON Yes, Tim, and this backyard isn't big enough for the eight hundred of us. TIM Eight hundred? Wow! WILSON That's right, Tim, hundreds of workers and drones, all dedicated to fulfilling the whims of a single queen... So, what brings you outside this fall evening? TIM STANDS LOST IN AMAZEMENT. TIM What? Oh, I had an argument with the Queen... uh, Jill! WILSON Ah, the vagaries of marriage. Pray tell, Tim, what was the source of conflict? TIM She's all bent out of shape because she thinks I'm not acting right around the boys - using the right words and stuff. WILSON The role-model debate, mm-hmm, continue. TIM Yeah, and then she bought this goofy end table that looks like something Al would build, so I hid it from her. What'd I do wrong, Wilson? WILSON Sounds like a power play, Tim. TIM What does hockey have to do with furniture? WILSON No, Tim. You see, boys go through stages where they try to exert their own power within the family. To stake a better position, if you will. TIM That's for sure. I can't believe what the kids do sometimes. WILSON I was talking about you, Tim. TIM Oh. HE REACTS. WILSON Actually, Tim, I was thinking more along the lines of Shakespeare, who said, "A man's home is his castle"-- TIM NODS AND GRUNTS VIGOROUSLY. TIM Absolutely, yes, yes. WILSON But so is a woman's. TIM Urr? Shakespeare said that? WILSON No, Tim, I just did. But in the proverbial castle, each resident demarcates their space with the things that they own. TIM Demarc-- what? WILSON To mark off space, Tim. For example, you with your tools, and Jill with her furniture. And, as you've found out, it can even come down to the very words you use around each other. TIM So... when I say I don't like this doofus piece of furniture that she bought, or use words she doesn't like, it's like I'm staking my claim. WILSON Exactly. It's not a caste system, Tim, with a Queen and workers and drones. You must work together to share your castle. TIM Not a caste system in the castle, huh? WILSON Nooo. Separate, but equal, as it were. The poet Kahlil Gibran said, "Let there be spaces in your togetherness". TIM PONDERS. TIM Whew, right again, Wilson. I'll give her some space. (BEAT) Especially around that dopey end table. Hey, good luck with the bees. HE TURNS AND WALKS TO THE BACK DOOR. WILSON GETS UP ON A STEPLADDER NEAR THE BEE'S NEST. TIM TURNS AROUND. TIM Hey, Wilson? WILSON Yes, Tim? TIM Does the Queen bee ever go garage- saleing? WILSON Only on the planet Xenon, Tim. TIM NODS, THEN REACTS, AND WE... CUT TO: ACT TWO Scene 4 INT. KITCHEN - LATE SUNDAY EVENING JILL PUTS AWAY DISHES FROM THE DISHWASHER. THERE IS A KNOCK AND SHE TURNS AROUND. SHE APPROACHES THE GARAGE DOOR. THE DOOR OPENS AND TIM'S HAND APPEARS THROUGH THE CRACK, CLUTCHING A ROSE. JILL Tim, you can't just-- THE DOOR OPENS WIDER AND TIM PRESENTS THE LITTLE CARVED TABLE. TIM I was wrong, and you were right. JILL Figured that out by yourself, did you? HE ENTERS THE KITCHEN. TIM Well, Wilson helped. He said you and I are like little bees wearing casts, hobbling around the Queen's castle. We just need some space between us to do our buzzing around. JILL Okay... TIM See, I'm only marking my territory. JILL Gosh, I hope not - I just vacuumed. (BEAT) Tim, do you have any idea how I felt when this table was missing? TIM Yes. (OFF HER LOOK) No. JILL I love this little table, Tim, and you took it away from me. Just like not teaching the boys certain values takes away something from our relationship. Do you get it? HE NODS. A LONG MOMENT PASSES AS TIM SCREWS UP HIS COURAGE. HE SPEAKS QUIETLY. TIM You know, I really want to raise the boys as well as my Dad did me. But after he died, it was just my brothers burping and swearing and pounding each other with hammers. HE HELPS HER PUT AWAY SOME DISHES. TIM (CONT'D) And I know that I need to lead by example. It's just that the example in my head sometimes trips over my face. Or tongue, or whatever. JILL We need to raise them correctly, Tim, together. Without all the battling for control. TIM Right. Hey, maybe both of us can be the Queen bee. No, wait a minute. All I know is, we both want the same thing, and I'm sorry if I made you feel bad. JILL Badly. I guess the next book should be a grammar manual. (BEAT) That's okay. Apology accepted, partner. THEY SHAKE HANDS AND THEN KISS. TIM Boy, that Wilson is pretty smart, isn't he? Maybe we should marry him and he can be the Dad. SHE LAUGHS SOFTLY, AND CLOSES THE DISHWASHER. JILL I think you can figure this stuff out by yourself. TIM So, how do we get them to stop saying cra-- that word? Just ignore it? THEY HEAD TOWARD THE STAIRS. JILL Well, I was thinking of something else. TIM Ah, Queenie has a plan. Worker Bee Tim at your command, oh literary one. Bzzzz! JILL Bzzz, bzzz! THEY BEGIN BUZZING AND POKING EACH OTHER AS THEY HEAD UPSTAIRS, AND WE... CUT TO: ACT TWO Scene 5 INT. KITCHEN - MONDAY MORNING THE THREE BOYS HUSTLE DOWN THE STEPS INTO THE KITCHEN. JILL AND TIM QUICKLY HAND THEM BAGS AND BOOKS. JILL Let's go, let's go! You guys are gonna be late! TIM Here, take your crap and get moving! THE BOYS HESITATE. JILL Go on, I put some crap for breakfast into these bags. BRAD What?? JILL I made some eggs, but they turned out weird, so you'll have to eat this on the way. TIM Don't give your Mom any guff, because she worked real hard on that. THE THREE HEAD CONFUSED TO THE DOOR. JILL Oh, and good luck with that vocabulary crap today, Brad. TIM Yeah, and don't take any crap from any bullies at school, either! THE BOYS PAUSE AT THE FRONT DOOR FOR A QUICK CONFERENCE. BRAD What's the deal with them? They're saying the word. MARK Yeah, I thought we weren't supposed to say that any more. RANDY I don't know about you guys, but if they think it's cool, I'm definitely not saying it. BRAD Really. THEY ALL NOD AGREEMENT AND EXIT. TIM AND JILL HIGH- FIVE EACH OTHER AND DANCE CRAZILY. TIM & JILL Ooga-booga, ooga-booga... hey-hey!... Oooga-booga... AND WE... FADE OUT END OF SHOW |
Screenplay created with Final Draft, which is a darn fine product. (Link goes to Amazon, because I like passive income. #advertising)
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